Euler’s Identity
(An example of deep mathematical beauty)
by Electra Liberte
18+
contains: lgbt content, scenes of using drugs, sex
Characters:
Katya: i (the imaginary unit)
Dina: π (pi, the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter)
Masha: e (Euler’s number, the base for natural logarithms)
Kolya: 1
0
Legend
/ — slash
the absence of punctuation marks is caused by intonation
.. — almost-ellipsis
Act 1
Scene 1
(Katya, Dina and Masha are in the kitchen)
Katya: God, I hate cockroaches. But I just can’t kill them — when you smash them with a slipper and watch its whole little body dying. And when this white stuff oozes out! Ugh. And the crackling sound. I just can’t help it. So when I first noticed them here I tried different sprays, but none of them worked. So then I found out about boric acid. I read that cockroaches hate it and if one of them smells it, it’ll let the others know using their feelers. Well, if It wasn’t for boric acid — and, honestly, I poured a lot of it — I would’ve been left with nothing else but to burn their feelers to stop them from calling their mates — and just let them be. And I kinda hoped that if the rest of them saw their mate with its feelers burned off that would be a strong message for them. I have this gun-shaped lighter and I would shoot it at them. Sometimes I would just keep my finger on the trigger and burn the whole fucker to death — and then feel really shameful after. Back when I was a child, I made a promise to myself that I would never kill anyone or anything, even a mosquito. So, I just burned the сockroaches’ feelers — to keep them away. So one day they just disappeared — forever. I guess it all worked.
Dina: Well, as I see it, sometimes you just have to kill. It’s about the pain — but cockroaches can’t feel any pain.
Katya: They definitely have some kind of receptors.
Dina: So what? Plants have them too but I doubt they actually suffer. Do you really think that before a cockroach dies its whole life flashes before its eyes or something like that? Like, they think of their kids, their first love or whatever? Pain is about emotions.
Katya: Okay, I have a hard time with the concept of living and non-living things. I can’t even break plates when I’m mad. In school, the teachers used to tell us not to drop our pencils because its core would break and I imagined a pencil breaking its spine and it felt like electricity running through my body. Or this feeling when you accidentally break something and everything just crumbles inside you, the atoms breaking their bonds, all broken beyond repair. Just a moment ago, it was whole! And then it’s all gone. But I could never understand why they’d tell us not to break tree branches as if those were kinda their fingers saying, “Would you enjoy your fingers being broken?”. Well, we do use notebooks and they’re made of trees, right? So it’s about the purpose, really. What some dump kid gets the notebook? Would that be justified? Anyways, I got really confused and decided not to kill or harm anyone ever.
Dina: Wow, you sound like Gandhi or something. Actually, from what you’re saying it seems that you actually don’t want to suffer yourself and not that you have a problem with other creatures suffering. What’s that noise?
(Everyone stops to listen)
Dina: Is that a bird? Sounds nice.
Katya: Yeah, I thought so too, actually.
Masha: What are you talking about?
Katya: Nah, that’s just our water meter running in the bathroom.
Dina: Meters are the dumbest thing ever. It does sound like a bird though. / Funny!
Masha: / No, it doesn’t.
Dina: I just got a bill for like $350. Apparently, I was supposed to report the data to the utility company or something. That’s stupid.
Masha: What do you mean stupid?
Dina: Well, this meter has been there for ages. Who even cares about it? I pay my bills, what else do they need?
Masha: What do you mean? That’s nonsense.
Katya: So, what are you going to do about the bill?
Masha: That’s crazy. We pay like what, 5 bucks a month?
Katya: Nah, a bit more, I guess.
Dina: Well, I’m gonna need to find a job, I guess. No idea where to look though. I’ve looked through some stupid ads but it’s not like I’m gonna work any job just for the money.
Katya: What kind of job do you want then?
Dina: I dunno. I don’t really want any. I do have a lot of skills but all the positions I’ve checked are just not for me. They’re all like, nine-to-five, a few weeks of paid leave and that’s it, you’re trapped, can’t travel much, how fucked up is that!
Katya: Well, you don’t really travel a lot, do you?
Dina: ‘Cause I’m broke right now. I used to buy some cheap tickets or just go to Helsinki for a weekend.
Masha: You would still have weekends and holidays if you had a job.
Dina: But I’d literally be shackled to my desk! And my whole life would be ruled by my working schedule. Years and years of labor. That’s so fucking boring. I wish there was some nice, fun kind of job for me though.
Katya: Well, it’s the same when you’re in school. You have classes to attend, you’re not free.
Dina: That’s different. Education is good for your brain.
Masha: Well, if it was so good for you, how come you have no idea how to find a job?
Dina: Wow, baby! You’re saucy, I like that!
Katya: You could also try selling stuff. We do that every once in a while.
Masha: Yeah but we’ve sold everything we could.
(Dina’s phone beeps. She reads the message)
Dina: Ah, there’s a party tonight. Want to go?
Katya: Who’s gonna be there?..
Dina: Some guy from some band, don’t remember the name. Come on, let’s go, it’ll be fun! Bring your sister too, she needs some fresh air. Life is movement! Come on, Masha, let’s rock. Go get ready. / It’s a nice bunch.
Katya: / Nah, I pass.
Masha: I have my own bunch.
Dina: Edgy! Masha, do you know this poem that goes —
(Recites Marina Tsvetaeva’s poem “You were too lazy to get dressed…”)
You were too lazy to get dressed,
Too lazy to get up for me.
And every following day for you
Would have been happy with my glee.
I was the youth that passed you by -
You did this without ill intent,
Your actions were in every way
Incorrigible, innocent.
(Masha throws her mug in the sink and walks out of the kitchen)
Katya: She’s got her finals coming up.
Dina: (Shouts to Masha as she leaves) That’s Tsvetaeva, Masha. Don’t be mad. (To Katya) So, are we going or what?
Scene 2
(Masha writes a post on her social media page)
Masha: “The more primitive a person is, the more highly they regard themselves”, E. M. Remark.
(Katya returns home, drunk. Masha meets her at the door. Katya laughs as she tries to take off her coat)
Masha: Why are you laughing?
Katya: Well, it’s just… Look, Masha, are you feeling lonely? Let’s talk.
(Masha walks around the apartment preparing to leave)
Katya: Mashunya, come on. Are you angry because I didn’t take you with us?
Masha: I’m not your property, okay? I would’ve gone if I wanted to. I just didn’t.
Katya: Bummer. It was fun.
Masha: You should go to bed.
Katya: Where are you going?
Masha: Look at the time. School.
Katya: Oh, I thought today was a day off. Mashunya... I’ve got something for you!
Masha: What is it?
Katya: We won’t be alone anymore. Guess who’s going to join us!
Masha: Oh god.
Katya: Dina. You like her? She’s really cool.
(Masha slams the door as she leaves)
Katya: Well, too bad. Dina is fun. You’ll like her. I’m sure you will. Everybody likes her.
(Katya gets online, opens Dina’s social media page, looks through her photos, including the ones taken at the last night’s party. Katya is in some of the photos, smiling. Katya scrolls through the news feed, stumbles upon her sister’s post containing Remark’s quote, frowns)
Act 2
Scene 1
(Katya and Dina unpack Dina’s stuff. Masha stands in the doorway watching the other two girls displeasedly)
Dina: So, my mom said she’ll give me some money next month, so I’m moving out soon. Hey, Mashunya, you heard me? Chill.
Masha: Don’t “mashunya” me. Why won’t you just stay at the dorm?
Dina: Well, in my freshman year, we once had a really wild party there so apparently I’m not allowed in anymore.
Katya: At least you haven’t been expelled.
Dina: No way I would be expelled. I’m smart.
(Masha leaves the room. Dina takes out a notebook from one of her boxes, opens it, shows the contents to Katya)
Dina: Look.
Katya: Woah, I would’ve never thought you collect dry plants.
Dina: They’re from different places. In each place, something important happened. It’s not just plants, here’s a sticker, a piece of cloth — can’t remember where this one’s from though. Look! Here’s the ticket for the train I once rode naked.
Katya: What?
Dina: Well, I met this guy in a bar.
Katya: Right.
Dina: We drank all night and when it was like 6 am he said let’s go to the seaside. So I said sure but he decided to also bring some of his friends along. It was fun, we would make out a lot and stuff. So we got there, watched the sunset, drank more booze, it was really romantic. So his friends apparently got all hot from looking at us making out and wanted to also get involved. It all might’ve been arranged, I dunno. Anyways, at some point they just jumped at me and started to tear off my clothes.
Katya: God! What did you do?
Dina: I escaped. It was really cold but I was lucky to catch a train back. Lost my iPhone, though.
Katya: How did you get home?
Dina: Ah, it was all in a blur.
Katya: How did you buy the ticket without money?
Dina: God, you’re such a bore!
(Dina laughs, takes the notebook from Katya, walks back to her stuff, looks through the other boxes, takes out random objects from them. Her stuff looks like she packed it in a hurry)
Dina: Okay, look. This was a gift from this really nice dude. He said, this is good music. It’s a rare one.
Katya: “The Doors”!
Dina: You’re such a know-it-all! I knew you’d like it. You can have it.
Katya: Wow, it’s the ‘67 issue.
(Katya walks up to the vinyl record player)
Dina: Wow, where did you dig up that old fossil?
Katya: It was my mother’s. She used to love vinyls, she said they deliver the purest possible sound...
(Katya puts the record on the player)
Katya: I have a favorite.
(The song “People Are Strange” by The Doors starts to play. Katya searches for a different song on the record, finds “My Eyes Have Seen You”)
Dina: What is it about?
Katya: It’s called “My Eyes Have Seen You”.
Dina: So, what’s in the lyrics?
Katya: Something about television, nothing too important. This song has a different meaning for me.
Dina: What meaning?
Katya: Just listen. It has such a cool vibe.
(The song ends)
Dina: Is that all? It’s okay, I guess.
Katya: Okay, here’s their biggest hit.
(Katya turns on “People Are Strange” and translates the lyrics line by line from russian)
Katya: Here’s the best part —
Women seem wicked when you’re unwanted
Streets are uneven when you’re down
Dina: Okay, okay, you got some mad English skills. Can we listen to the song now? Music feels best when you dance to it!
(Dina tries to make Katya dance. Katya starts to dance, hesitantly, as if she wasn’t going to dance at all. Dina dances in an errotic manner as if she has long been waiting for the right moment)
Dina: Care for a drink?
Katya: I don’t have any alcohol.
(Dina takes out a bottle of wine)
Dina: You underestimate me, honey. I always have some wine on hand.
(Katya leaves to bring a corkscrew. Dina stays in the room, studies how the record player works. Masha enters the room)
Masha: Katya!
Katya (Shouts from the kitchen): Coming!
Masha (About the record player): Stay away from it.
Dina: Hey, babe. Easy! Want a drink?
Masha: Don’t ever touch it again.
Dina: Okay, okay.
(Katya enters the room holding a corkscrew)
Katya: What happened?
Dina (about the track playing): This one’s nice.
(Masha stops the music and carries the record player out of the room)
(Katya follows Masha at a rapid pace. Their muffled conversation can be heard from behind the wall. Dina opens the window and lights up a cigarette, then suddenly remembers something, walks up to one of the boxes, takes out the Christmas lights from it, places them all around the room. She turns on the lights, walks over to the bookshelf, draws some random book from it)
Katya: Calm down, what happened?
Masha: Why did you bring her? She’s so fucking annoying, I hate her!
Katya: Come one, don’t be so hard on her. You don’t even know her!
Masha: Do you even notice how she speaks, her whole stupid attitude?
Katya: Dina is great! She’s the best student in our college. She’s smart, talented, charismatic, open-minded. You should learn from her instead of writing your stupid passive-aggresive posts.
(Katya takes the player from Masha and brings it back to the room where Dina is. Notices the Christmas lights)
Katya: (About the decoration) Woah. (About Masha) I’m really sorry about her.
Dina: Nevermind. I used to be even worse. That’s quite a library you have here!
Katya: Some of those books belonged to my parents, some are my grandma’s.
(Katya gives Dina the corkscrew. Dina opens the wine. Katya takes out two tall glasses from the cabinet)
Katya: They’re probably dirty.
Dina: Nah, they’re fine.
(Dina pours the wine)
Dina: Cheers.
Katya: I’m happy you’re here.
Dina: Wanna dance? You’ve got some nice moves.
(Katya looks for some particular record)
Katya: Here. This one’s a very special one.
(Katya turns on “Starless” by King Crimson. Katya and Dina dance slowly. Dina acts as if she tries to seduce Katya, pretending to want to kiss her. Katya plays along but Dina laughs it off, steps back and pours herself more wine)
Dina: Here’s to you, baby!
Scene 2
(The song “Starless” by King Crimson continues. Katya and Dina are having a house party. Dina and a few others smoke weed. Katya and Kolya talk standing next to the record player)
Kolya: I love this one-note solo. It’s like Robert Fripp just can’t stop and there’s no one around to hit him on his head.
Katya: Yeah, it’s impossibly long but logically it suits the entire song’s tempo-rhythm quite well.
Kolya: Exactly, the structure is just so delightfully straight-forward. God! Some songs grow on you only after you’ve heard them like a thousand times, and that’s when they show their true colors.
(Katya laughs)
Kolya: And the sax part is absolutely hilarious!
(Dina yells at some guy)
Dina: Who invited this asshole? Whose friend is he? Get the fuck outta here, you fucking sexist jerk!
(Dina comes up to Katya and Kolya)
Katya: What did he say to you? (To the sexist guy) Shove your fucking discourse up your ass and piss the fuck off! (To everyone) This party sucks, let’s play something else.
(“Starless” stops)
Dina: Okay, let’s see...
(Dina streams “Bad Kingdom” by Moderat from her laptop, dances fiercely, shrieks, drinks. Katya receives a text message from Masha saying “Is this gonna go on all night?”. Katya puts away her phone)
Kolya: So you two have been sharing this place for a while, right?
Katya: Yeah, for a couple weeks.
Kolya: She’s really… Uh. Fierce!
Katya (Reluctantly): Yeah.
Dina: Let’s dance, everyone! Drink up!
(Dina drinks wine from the bottle. Katya finishes her glass. Dina comes up to Kolya)
Dina: Hey there. You’re obviously into me. Don’t be so shy. Go ahead, I dare you.
Kolya: Hi. Yes. Hi, I’m Kolya (Holds out his hand).
(Dina leads Kolya to the dance floor. The weed-smokers suddenly realize the baggie of weed is gone, so they start searching for it. It’s nowhere to be found)
Guy 1: Dammit.
Guy 2: Shit.
Dina: Look guys, just let it go. Chill.
(Turns off the music. The weed-smokers continue looking everywhere they can reach anxiously. Others appear tense)
Dina: Okay everyone. Party’s over. Time to go home.
Katya: What’s going on?
Dina: Relax, everyone’s just drunk.
(Some people get ready to leave, excluding Guy 1 and Guy 2 who continue looking for the baggie)
Guy 1: Where the fuck can it be?
(Dina comes up to Guy 1, puts one hand in his pocket and pats his back with the other, takes out the bag out of the pocket)
Dina: Is this what you’re looking for?
Guy 1: That’s bullshit, she must’ve planted it on me!
Dina: Come on, everyone, time to leave. You (Points at Kolya). Stay. I like you.
Kolya: How did you do that?
Dina: Nevermind.
(Katya looks around perplexedly. The guests leave. Dina locks up in her room with Kolya. Katya goes to Masha’s room, sits on her bed. Laughter and murmurs are heard from Dina’s room)
Katya: So... How are things at school?
Masha: Uh… You gotta be kidding me.
Katya: Well.. How’s it going, really?
Masha: Our flatmates are moving out.
Katya: What? Why? Why didn’t they call me?
Masha: Well, maybe they couldn’t reach you.
Katya: Shit.
(Sounds of intimacy from Dina’s room become louder and louder)
Masha: I think I’m gonna throw up.
Katya: You’re overreacting. It was just one party, what’s the big deal?
Masha: So, you’re gonna come to me every time your homegirl shags another dude? I thought he was your friend.
Katya: Shags a dude! Masha, what level of discourse is that?
Masha: She keeps saying that word. Anyways, how are we supposed to make a living?
Katya: I’ll take care of that.
(Katya and Masha sit in silence. Katya stands up, goes to the kitchen and starts cleaning. Turns on Philip Glass’ Concerto for Violin and Orchestra, Movement 1 on her phone)
Dina: That’s unusual.
Katya: I need some cleansing.
Dina: Oh, come on. You were only a spectator.
Katya: It shouldn’t have happened at all. I feel dirty, vile, vicious. Sinful.
Dina: Don’t be silly. These are your insecurities speaking. Stop guilt-tripping yourself.
Katya: They definitely wouldn’t approve of how I live my life.
Dina: You don’t have to always look back to that.
(Dina leaves her room and goes to the kitchen. Hears Philip Glass playing)
Dina: That’s a strange choice.
Katya: It’s soothing.
Dina: Are you nervous, baby?
Katya: Just tired. Why did you do that?
(Katya goes to their room. Dina and Kolya are asleep or pretend to be. Katya goes to Masha’s room)
Katya: Can I stay here tonight?
Act 3
Scene 1
(Katya tries to study, a few textbooks with formulas lie in front of her. She writes and then sends a text message with the same text to Dina and Masha: “Not coming again 2nite?”. Masha replies: “No im at Nastyas. Preparing 4 exams”. Dina replies: “Nah I work late”. Katya: “What u workin on?”. Dina doesn’t reply)
Katya: Welp. Good for you. Take your time.
(Katya gets up from the desk and walks around the apartment. She turns on “People Are Strange” by “The Doors”. Remembers the night when she and Dina listened to this song. Before the song ends, Katya turns it off, returns to her desk. Stands up again and comes up to the window. Smokes. Comes up to the mirror. Watches herself smoke in the mirror. Elegantly blows clouds of smoke)
Katya: God, I’m such a cornball.
(Katya lies down on her bed. Her phone rings)
Katya: Hi. Yes. Yes, that’s right. Yes, I’m home now. Yeah, we can meet. Okay.
(Katya puts the vinyl record player in the box. The doorbell rings. Katya opens the door. It’s Kolya)
Katya: Oh god. She’s not here.
Kolya: I’m here to talk to you.
(Katya silently lets him enter)
Kolya: I called but you didn’t answer.
Katya: I know.
Kolya: Can I come in?
Katya: Okay. What happened?
Kolya: it was... wrong, it was all wrong, you know. Ugh. I don’t know what to do.
Katya: Ugh, just stop, okay? I don’t wanna listen to that.
Kolya: Alcohol is pure evil. I don’t even remember anything, all I know is that I’ve done something I shouldn’t have.
(Kolya takes out a vinyl record from his bag)
Kolya: I wanted to bring you flowers but / then I thought...
Katya: Well, this is hardly any more appropriate.
(Kolya gives Katya the vinyl)
Katya: “Those Who Do Not”. That’s quite symbolic.
Kolya: I know you probably won’t forgive me but I really, really don’t want to lose you. No one else in this world would understand the way you do. We have so much in common, like, we both like King Crimson, t.A.T.u, Psychic TV, The Doors, Philip Glass. I admire your taste in everything, it’s so perfect — and unusual.
Katya: Excuse me, there’s a guy waiting for me downstairs.
Kolya: What guy?
(Katya takes the box with the record player and walks toward the exit)
Katya: I’ll be right back.
Kolya: Oh, no. But... why?
Katya: I need money.
Kolya: I’ll give you the money, how much do you need? Please keep it!
Katya: Too late, we’ve arranged already.
Kolya: Just say you changed your mind!
Katya: But I didn’t.
Kolya: Fuck! Shit!
Katya: I’m fine. So, are we finished?
Kolya: No! Hell, no, we’re not!
Katya: You can wait here if you want.
(Kolya stays and waits)
Scene 2
(Katya waits outside her apartment block holding the box. Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 14, Movement 3 plays in her headphones)
Katya: Presto agitato. That’s the way to live! Dina always says that math is essentially poetry. I’d say, our whole world is poetry. A lantern has floated out of a puddle. An illuminated sign on the church wall reads Te Deum Laudamus. Tough looking lowlifes stroll by. The towering shadows of defoliated trees are cast against the sides of apartment blocks. The green shade of wet asphalt turns red, and then back to green, bypassing the orange spectre. A paper flower drowns in a muddy puddle. Next to it is a pile of not yet melted snow. A tall mirror sticks out from the dumpster, I see my own reflection in it. A pregnant dog stares at me. Her owner stares at her, his eyes pitch black. I’m gonna have a lot of money — enough to rent an apartment, move into it as soon as I can and live there all by myself. Or hop on a train to someplace else, get a hotel room and just spend awhile on my own.
(The buyers approach Katya, take the box from her, give her some cash. Katya writes a text message to Masha saying “Come home, let’s talk. She won’t be here, I promise”)
Act 4
Scene 1
(Some time has passed. Dina and Katya sit in the kitchen)
Dina: So you’re a conformist.
Katya: / No, I’m not.
Dina: / You’ve always been like that. Look at these wallpapers, do you like them?
Katya: Not really.
Dina: Then why don’t you just get rid of them? They’re tasteless, and just plain ugly! They’ve been up here for decades, right?
Katya: I can’t afford to buy new ones.
Dina: / That sucks. I have lots of money now.
(Dina walks up to the wall)
Dina: And your stupid wallpapers makes me sick.
(Dina starts to tear down the wallpapers)
Dina: Come on, help me out here. Don’t worry, I’ll buy you new ones. What else do you need, just let me know, okay? (Sings the lyrics to t.A.T.u’s “Not Gonna Get Us”) We’ll run away, on roads that are empty. Lights from the airfield, shining upon you.
(Dina laughs)
Katya: Where did you get the money?
Dina: I have a job now, and it’s fucking amazing.
Katya: What kind of job? Just tell me.
Dina: Well, remember the conference where you and that friend of yours gave a speech about fractals?
Katya: His name’s Kolya.
Dina: Where did you even find him?
Katya: You know it.
Dina: / Okay, whatever. Anyways, Mr. Schreiber called me up and said that my project was outstanding and asked if I wanted to write a piece for the Bulletin of the Academy of Sciences.
Katya: Oh wow. So they paid you a lot for that?
Dina: Nah, I didn’t get paid at all. I did that for my own pleasure.
Katya: Okay, so what about your real job?
Dina: It’s just a stupid job. Pays great though.
Katya: I wonder if anyone else was offered to write for the Bulletin.
Dina: I don’t think anyone was. Who else would be a good fit for that?
Katya: Yeah, I guess.
(Katya peels off a huge patch of wallpaper. Some old newspaper can be seen under it, the text printed in it is legible)
Dina (Reads): “There’s something metaphysical about the Soviet people’s passion for beer”.
Katya: Are you’re making that up?
(Katya looks closer. Dina laughs)
Katya: It can’t be there.
Dina: “Something mysterious and otherworldly. As I sat with a mug of Czech…”. Can’t make out the rest. It’s like a sign, isn’t it? Like Bacchus talking to me from these walls! This calls for a six-pack! Or maybe something better.
Katya: I thought you had some work to finish.
Dina: I will, why wouldn’t I.
(Dina leaves. Katya stays in the kitchen where a patch of wallpaper now hangs off the wall. She looks around. Dina returns)
Dina: I met your sister in the hall. Why did you kick her out? She’s cool. Better than your boyfriend.
Katya: I didn’t kick her out. She’s staying in another apartment that have, just upstairs from here. It’s just that she...
Dina: Okay, nevermind. Sister issues.
Katya: Not… really...
Dina: Mmm, beer!
(Dina goes to her room. Random patches of wallpaper hang from the wall. Some bits are on the floor. Katya tears off another small piece. Notices a receipt from the grocery store lying on the table. Studies it. Goes after Dina)
Katya: Where do they even sell beer at that price?
Dina: What’s wrong, baby?
Katya: What kind of job do you have?
Dina: Oh, come on, why does it matter?
Scene 2
(Katya stands in front of the mirror applying cream on her face before bed)
Dina: Why are you doing this?
Katya: I have dry skin.
Dina: Or are you afraid of premature aging maybe?
(Dina laughs)
Dina: Well considering how much I drink, I’m probably gonna die soon. There will be a bunch of flowers on my grave. Scientists will dig out my brain and study it. I’m sure you’ll still be alive though. You might outlive me for at least like 50 years, and spend it remembering how I was.
Katya: Not necessarily with good thoughts.
Dina: Ugh, don’t be silly, Katya. How is that important? These are merely the parameters of relativity. You and I are like Jim Morrison and Ray Manzarek. Ray wrote great music, but who cares about him when it comes to “The Doors”? Only you, maybe.
Katya: This doesn’t seem like a valid example.
Dina: Oh, come on, it’s true. I don’t even know his name. I don’t even think about that. But you do.
(Recites a verse from Anna Akhmatova’s poem “A loved one makes her demands at will…”)
Earthly drinks are too sweet anyhow,
Nets of love are too tight, all the same,
In their lesson books, years from now,
Let the children discover my name.
(Katya turns away from the mirror)
Dina: You are beautiful, Katya. Very beautiful.
Katya: Why are you saying this?
Dina: Because it’s true.
Katya: Stop mocking me.
(Dina walks into the bathroom, shudders)
Dina: God, you scared me.
Scene 3
(Katya sits on the couch in front of her laptop. A few textbooks lie in front of her)
Dina: Look at me. Look, look, look!
Katya: If you don’t shut up right now, I’ll rip my eyes out, sew them onto yours and you will have to look at them until your dying day.
Dina: Come on, look at me just one more time.
(Katya stays silent)
Dina: Why are you so boring? (Opens the window) Look how nice it is outside. Let’s go for a walk.
Katya: Please, don’t I’m cold.
Dina: It’s so nice out!
Katya: What do I need to say for you to leave me alone?
Dina: It’s so fucking awesome!
Katya: Your mom’s calling.
Dina: Ah, look, there’s a really gross-looking dog eating a pigeon!
Katya: Pick up your phone.
Dina: You know, I had no idea dogs eat dead birds. There’s all this buzz about the meaning of life and whatnot. Do people even know what they’re talking about? Why doesn’t anyone care about the meaning of this pigeon’s life? And what about the dog?
Katya: Smoke in the kitchen. I told you a hundred times!
Dina: Speaking of dogs, did you know that hedgehogs eat dog food?
Katya: Hello. Yes, I’m passing her to you.
Dina (Refuses to talk): Tell her I’m dead. No, tell her I was eaten by a dog!
Katya: She says she’ll call you back in a minute. What do even want?
Dina: I want you to look at me.
Katya: Okay.
Dina: Katya, tell me, what meaning of life do the thoughts in your head have?
Katya: Oh god.
Dina: Who are you, Katya?
Katya: Who are you?
Dina: What does your name mean, by the way?
Katya: I don’t know.
Dina: Are you kidding me?
(Dina looks up the name Katya on the web)
Dina: It means “pure”. Oxford’s Dictionary of First Names states that the etymology of this name is uncertain. You’re so mysterious. I like it.
Katya: What does your name mean?
(Dina walks into the room with a bottle of expensive alcohol)
Dina: Get off your gadgets, baby. We’re having a party!
Katya: What? Why?
Dina: You need a reason to celebrate? How about Einstein’s birthday?
Katya: Is this even true?
Dina: Fuck knows, you can check it if you want.
(Dina notices the record player)
Dina: Oh, I thought you sold it.
Katya: Kolya gave me a new one.
Dina: He seems to really love you.
(People crowd the room. Dina gets drunk quickly. She walks up to a guy who eats a slice of bread)
Dina: Why don’t you add some of this!
(Dina pours chocolate-flavored lube on top of the slice. The guy makes a wry face)
Guy: What’s that?
Dina: Look closer! I’ve prepared for our date.
Guy: But we just met.
Dina: I knew we would!
(Dina takes the slice from him and licks off as much lube as she can in an erotic fashion)
Dina: Mmm, delicious!
(Dina leans over to the stunned-looking guy, kisses him, then leaves to dance. Meanwhile, Katya roams around the room looking unsettled, she clearly lacks Kolya’s attention. Kolya says something to her but she can’t hear him. Some of the walls in the kitchen are still without wallpaper. Katya trails her hand across the wall. Some lime plaster remains on her fingertips. Dina walks up to Katya)
Dina: Baby, why are you all alone in here? What’s wrong? Want to dance?
Katya: You know I’m not a big dancer...
Dina: Shhh.
(Dina and Katya dance. Dina is drunk, she speaks in a slow voice)
Dina: Katya, Katya ... I’m so drunk right now... You ... Katya, Katya ...
Katya: I know...
Dina: No, you don’t understand, Katya...
(Katya puts her arms around Dina, holds her close to herself. Dina notices Kolya)
Dina: Why do you even care about this dork? I don’t get it. I knew right away he was a total nitwit. He’s nowhere as smart as you.
Katya: I don’t know.
Dina: Screw it all, Katya, be with me.
(Dina kisses Katya. Kolya throws his glass of wine at them and leaves)
Dina: He’s no good for you.
Katya: Kolya!
(Kolya leaves. Dina takes Katya to her room)
Dina: Wait here, baby. Just relax, okay? Promise me.
(Katya kisses Dina)
Dina: Promise.
Katya: I promise.
Dina: I’ll be a minute.
(Dina returns to the kitchen. Katya acts anxiously. She checks her look in the mirror, fixes her hair. Looks at her body, unzips her jeans, looks at her panties. Reaches into the drawer, takes out another pair of panties. Fixes hair again. Takes off her bra, now dressed only in her t-shirt and panties. Dina is still away. Katya walks into the kitchen. Dina talks to the bread guy. Then kisses him, takes him to her room)
Dina: Let’s go?
Katya: I’ll be right back.
(Katya runs out of her apartment block. Walks down the street, as if this is her first time)
Katya: Where am I
while she’s there
my eyes catch
reflections of city lights
slowly creeping across puddles
I look through the shop windows
beautiful chandeliers
expensive bathtubs
a lost mitten on the ground
a fragment of a cardboard box
there’s a dent on it
rainwater got inside of it
and turned it into a puddle
a wheeled garbage container moved away from the pavement
almost as if by inertia, cars pass around it
I approach a crossing
I see a red light
I continue walking
Red turns to green
I start to cross the road
but realize I look at the wrong light
it was red for the cars
not me
I wait
no cars
I could go
yet I stand still
waiting
then I move
take a step forward
but the light turns green
and it’s like I moved when the red was on
so it doesn’t count
as I began walking
it turned green
which means I moved when the green was on
that’s it
this is the answer
that’s my whole life
(quotes t.a.t.u songs)
each on their own
all this weeping in the air,
who can tell where it will fall
I'm a star, you're a star
we’ve been ordered to burn
someone got a hold of the addresses
of our secret meeting spots
never ever beg okay okay
just catch myself and calm down who gets who
apparently it will turn out it’d be easier not to become acquainted
Mother looking at me, tell me what do you see?
Daddy looking at me, will I ever be free?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
(Katya disappears)
Act 5
Scene 1
(Some time has passed. Masha and Dina lie on the kitchen floor. The wallpapers in the kitchen has been redone)
Masha: How many times have you tried it?
Dina: More than you can imagine. Are you afraid, baby?
Masha: No, I feel that it’s worth it.
Dina: Well, honestly, I never tried this one before. And I’m not doing this because it’s worth it.
Masha: Have you ever been afraid to overdose and die?
Dina: You’re afraid of dying, and I’m afraid of staying alive.
Masha: Why? Life is a total no-brainer, but what happens after? It’s so scary.
(During her monologue, Dina seduces Masha by undressing her and taking off her own clothes. She interrupts her speech every now and then to kiss Masha and her actions become increasingly sexual. At the last sentence, she stops)
Dina: You know,
I know everything that will be.
No, not all.
I know what will happen next.
in 320 years, the Chernobyl zone will be habitable again.
In 5,200 years, the Gregorian calendar will be one day behind the astronomical year.
The polar stars will change a few times.
in 10,000 years, humanity will cease to exist.
in 50,000 years, Niagara Falls will disappear.
in 40 million years, Phobos will crash into Mars.
in 50 million years, Australia will cross the equator, California will sink into the ocean and Africa will collide with Europe and Asia, closing off the Mediterranean.
And in the next 100 million years, Antarctica and Australia will be the same continent, while North America will merge with Greenland.
in 600 million years, a total solar eclipse will no longer be possible because the Moon will be too far from the Earth.
In a billion years, all seas will disappear.
in three billion years, the Earth will turn into a new Venus.
The era of black holes will begin, the sun will evaporate through Hawking radiation, then eternal darkness will reign, and if protons do not dissolve, then all matter will decay into iron-56.
In more than a million years, a Boltzmann brain will appear
conscious of itself
and of the surrounding space
It will observe the final energy state of the Universe
Why? Why would it observe and be conscious of all that?
Do you know how it will end? It will end with the Poincaré theorem.
Everything will return to where it started — but we don’t know where that is exactly. It’s not really scary to think about that, it was a long time ago and it won’t happen soon.
Not existing before you come to exist isn’t scary.
What is scary is not existing after.
And I know what will happen after.
As if I actually existed.
And then it will all start over again.
And I will come to exist again.
Again, I will go all the way.
Scared, I will anticipate the death of my parents, and then my own death, and then I will be scared of living.
I will be going to school or college.
I will be telling everyone that I’m searching for myself — and I will actually search.
And then I will finish school and college, and I’ll need to look for a job, and I will hate that, of course.
I will resent the need to perform strange actions without any clear purpose, or worse, for money to pay for food, clothes, bills, or birth control pills.
I don’t know yet if end up having a child or not, but all this will happen again.
Do you realize that every day we write scenarios of how the world might turn out. It’s just a huge lottery ticket, everyone wants to play but also no one does because all of those scenarios are pessimistic.
Ever heard about the gray goo scenario? Or how the universe will end in a Big Rip — can’t remember why — just because it keeps growing constantly, moving through space, rushing forward, spinning around. Where, why, how?
And if it doesn’t grow, then you know what? It will shrink to a tiny point.
You, me, everyone you love will just turn into a fraction of a speck of dust.
And why should I care, why should you care — we won’t even be there, so why should we even bother?
So apparently fear is something we can only feel about what is here and now.
But if you break down every “here and now” into milliseconds, what will you get? It will turn out that in every given moment the arrow is resting at a certain point in space. It is still, it doesn’t kill, it doesn’t pierce the flesh — which means nothing happens really. Eternal peace can be found now, not later.
Every “now” is here.
Thank you, Zenon. Thank you, Poincaré.
Ideas keep the world running.
Maybe it’s all wrong but I feel so calm right now.
This Poincaré’s idea I’ve read consisted of three lines and there was no evidence in them.
But I’m sure that everything is how I understood it.
Because I feel it.
And this makes me feel so calm.
But this calmness melts away fast.
How will we evolve mentally? What will it change? Doesn’t the same thing happen every day, every year, every century? Don’t we all share the same problems? Isn’t our life just one big “Animal Planet” episode?
Our universe is doomed and we can only think of when and how it will die.
It is suffering countless illnesses.
If I could come up with something to help the crisis, to prevent the suicide, to harness fear.
Can I?
The saving unit
I have so many tools in my arsenal.
Someday I'll figure it out again.
(Masha and Dina light up a cigarette)
Masha: You know what the problem here is?
Dina: What?
Masha: Well, if you know everything, why are you not trying to impact the present? If it’s in your power to make anything happen in this moment that is now.
Dina: No, you don’t get it. I can’t make anything happen. It’s just that it won’t just happen, it has already happened countless times.Thousand, million times, over and over, again and again.
(Dina and Masha hold hands in silence)
Masha: This sounds really scary.
Dina: It’s not, I think it’s fun. After all, you can do anything and you won’t fail.
Masha: You know, I keep thinking about one thing. Just before the accident my mom told me a story. When she was young, she dated a guy. It was a long-distance relationship, so they’d write each other letters. At some point, they moved in together, but then the reality kicked in. After one of their breakups, mom’s boyfriend gave her a doll he made himself out of wire frame and rope. When mom saw it she freaked out first, ‘cause it looked really creepy, like a cult tool or something. Yet she kept it. The doll would stand on the shelf for years, observing my mom’s life. Later she broke up with that guy and they didn’t keep in touch. So one day my mom decided to get rid of the old stuff, so she threw away that doll. But my dad found it in the trash and thought he might use it for scraps. He had no idea where it was from or anything about it. So one day he dismantled the doll all the way to the carcass and threw the rest of it away. That was when my mom sensed something. She went through the trash and found the doll’s head which was made out of tape. She tore through the tape and the paper filling and found a tiny postcard, about half an inch each side. It read: “Everything will be how you want it to be”.
Dina: Wow. Did she keep that postcard?
Masha: Mom said she did. But she kept it in a secret place. Maybe she always kept it with her. I never saw it.
Dina: That’s crazy.
Masha: Maybe it didn’t even happen.
Dina: Sounds too good to be fiction.
(Dina and Masha stay still)
Dina: I feel so amazing right now I could die. How can it feel so good? How long have we been like this?
Masha: I don’t know. Five or seven minutes?
Dina: Seemed like hours… I haven’t told you yet — I will move out next week. My parents bought an apartment for me. That would probably be really dumb if I died right now, but I don’t feel that at all.
Masha: I wish I had parents.
Dina: You will have them. Again.
Masha: You sound like a preacher. But I feel now that there’s no afterlife or whatever. I’m just a bunch of particles that dissolve in space, shaping into one form or another.
Dina: You have no idea how obvious this is. You just haven’t caught the right wave yet. You’re right, we are particles. I’m proud of you, Masha, I really am. You’ve walked the path. When we first met, you were so absurd.
Masha: It’s like, that wasn’t even me.
Dina: Well, part of you was completely different. Like a different person.
Masha: You were different too.
Dina: No, I wasn’t. I’m different now. I am how you want me to be.
Scene 2
(Masha is alone in her room. Dina’s stuff is gone. She looks through the remaining things. She walks up to the record player but does not turn it on. She removes the books from the piano that was hidden under them all this time, opens the fall board and strums a chord. The piano is out of tune. Masha runs her fingers across the keyboard playing a passage through several octaves. She seems to make a silent conclusion: “Not quite in tune but playable”. She takes the chair, sits at the piano and improvises a simple tune gradually developing in a more atonal and at the same time expressive direction. She tries different techniques. Eventually, the music becoming calmer and more consonant. Masha suddenly notices a cockroach and kills it with a book at hand)
Scene 3
Masha, raised to the power of Katya and Dina, plus Kolya, has reduced to zero, from where she can now move in any direction
Epilogue & prologue
(An unknown period of time has passed. Time had ended, began anew and arrived at this moment. Katya sits at her laptop in the kitchen, the wallpapers are as they were initially. Katya writes a message to Kolya on a social media platform attaching t.A.T.u’s song “We Shout”)
Katya: “Sometimes I just can’t help listening to t.A.T.u. I feel so stupid, I hear their songs, cry and sing”.
Kolya (Replies): “Nothing to embarrassed about. It’s great music, so powerful, amazing production, great team behind it, really world-class and creative. Why do you cry though? Well, I guess it’s good to cry.”
Katya: “Because I feel like I’m literally torn apart. Why didn’t they choose us? It was such a cool project to be a part of.”
Kolya: “Well, you know how it works. Nothing is what it seems, I will affect you, I will protect you from all the crazy schemes. Can’t you hear it yourself? I’m with you.”
Katya: “I don’t get it I don’t understand I don’t want to know.”
(The doorbell rings. Katya opens the door. It’s Dina)
Dina: Oh my god, are you crying?
Katya: No, I’m fine.
Dina: I leave you alone for an hour and you start to cry.
Katya: I can’t because I can’t, I can’t.
Dina: What do you mean you can’t? Let’s have some wine.
Katya: I don’t want wine.
Dina: Okay, just kidding, no wine, let’s have some tea. Screw. It. All.
(Katya and Dina go to the kitchen)
Dina: So, what happened?
Katya: It just doesn’t seem like I’m doing the right thing.
Dina: Ugh, not again. Maybe it’s true. But why beat yourself up over this? How about you try something else.
Katya: Is this important? This is important. And hard to accept. Why can’t I suffer? Why do you always blame me?
Dina: Suffer all you want. it’s just that you’re being sad and unproductive.
Katya: Do you really think that I’m doing the wrong thing?
Dina: Well, in your case, it probably doesn’t make any difference.
Katya: God, why do you always do this to me?
Dina: Honestly, I don’t think anything good will come out of all this. There was a brief moment recently when you seemed like you were getting out of your never-ending depression — “I can’t do this”, “I don’t fit in”, bla-bla-bla. But apparently you will spend most of your life like that, and I’ll have to watch you fade away. I can only hope this will be an exciting show!
(Katya stays silent)
Katya: Should I just quit, just leave, start a new life?
Dina: How do I know? You could though.
(Katya stays silent)
Dina: Okay, give me your hand.
Katya: Why?
Dina: Just let me see it.
(Katya obeys. Dina studies the palm of her hand)
Dina: Oh! Well. You’ll be fine.
Katya: You’re lying!
Dina: No, I used to do palm reading as a hobby. You will be fine. Trust me. I mean it.
Katya: What does fine even mean?
Dina: Anything.
Katya: Oh, fuck, a cockroach!
(Dina kills the cockroach. Masha walks into the kitchen)
The end. The beginning.
(An example of deep mathematical beauty)
by Electra Liberte
18+
contains: lgbt content, scenes of using drugs, sex
Characters:
Katya: i (the imaginary unit)
Dina: π (pi, the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter)
Masha: e (Euler’s number, the base for natural logarithms)
Kolya: 1
0
Legend
/ — slash
the absence of punctuation marks is caused by intonation
.. — almost-ellipsis
Act 1
Scene 1
(Katya, Dina and Masha are in the kitchen)
Katya: God, I hate cockroaches. But I just can’t kill them — when you smash them with a slipper and watch its whole little body dying. And when this white stuff oozes out! Ugh. And the crackling sound. I just can’t help it. So when I first noticed them here I tried different sprays, but none of them worked. So then I found out about boric acid. I read that cockroaches hate it and if one of them smells it, it’ll let the others know using their feelers. Well, if It wasn’t for boric acid — and, honestly, I poured a lot of it — I would’ve been left with nothing else but to burn their feelers to stop them from calling their mates — and just let them be. And I kinda hoped that if the rest of them saw their mate with its feelers burned off that would be a strong message for them. I have this gun-shaped lighter and I would shoot it at them. Sometimes I would just keep my finger on the trigger and burn the whole fucker to death — and then feel really shameful after. Back when I was a child, I made a promise to myself that I would never kill anyone or anything, even a mosquito. So, I just burned the сockroaches’ feelers — to keep them away. So one day they just disappeared — forever. I guess it all worked.
Dina: Well, as I see it, sometimes you just have to kill. It’s about the pain — but cockroaches can’t feel any pain.
Katya: They definitely have some kind of receptors.
Dina: So what? Plants have them too but I doubt they actually suffer. Do you really think that before a cockroach dies its whole life flashes before its eyes or something like that? Like, they think of their kids, their first love or whatever? Pain is about emotions.
Katya: Okay, I have a hard time with the concept of living and non-living things. I can’t even break plates when I’m mad. In school, the teachers used to tell us not to drop our pencils because its core would break and I imagined a pencil breaking its spine and it felt like electricity running through my body. Or this feeling when you accidentally break something and everything just crumbles inside you, the atoms breaking their bonds, all broken beyond repair. Just a moment ago, it was whole! And then it’s all gone. But I could never understand why they’d tell us not to break tree branches as if those were kinda their fingers saying, “Would you enjoy your fingers being broken?”. Well, we do use notebooks and they’re made of trees, right? So it’s about the purpose, really. What some dump kid gets the notebook? Would that be justified? Anyways, I got really confused and decided not to kill or harm anyone ever.
Dina: Wow, you sound like Gandhi or something. Actually, from what you’re saying it seems that you actually don’t want to suffer yourself and not that you have a problem with other creatures suffering. What’s that noise?
(Everyone stops to listen)
Dina: Is that a bird? Sounds nice.
Katya: Yeah, I thought so too, actually.
Masha: What are you talking about?
Katya: Nah, that’s just our water meter running in the bathroom.
Dina: Meters are the dumbest thing ever. It does sound like a bird though. / Funny!
Masha: / No, it doesn’t.
Dina: I just got a bill for like $350. Apparently, I was supposed to report the data to the utility company or something. That’s stupid.
Masha: What do you mean stupid?
Dina: Well, this meter has been there for ages. Who even cares about it? I pay my bills, what else do they need?
Masha: What do you mean? That’s nonsense.
Katya: So, what are you going to do about the bill?
Masha: That’s crazy. We pay like what, 5 bucks a month?
Katya: Nah, a bit more, I guess.
Dina: Well, I’m gonna need to find a job, I guess. No idea where to look though. I’ve looked through some stupid ads but it’s not like I’m gonna work any job just for the money.
Katya: What kind of job do you want then?
Dina: I dunno. I don’t really want any. I do have a lot of skills but all the positions I’ve checked are just not for me. They’re all like, nine-to-five, a few weeks of paid leave and that’s it, you’re trapped, can’t travel much, how fucked up is that!
Katya: Well, you don’t really travel a lot, do you?
Dina: ‘Cause I’m broke right now. I used to buy some cheap tickets or just go to Helsinki for a weekend.
Masha: You would still have weekends and holidays if you had a job.
Dina: But I’d literally be shackled to my desk! And my whole life would be ruled by my working schedule. Years and years of labor. That’s so fucking boring. I wish there was some nice, fun kind of job for me though.
Katya: Well, it’s the same when you’re in school. You have classes to attend, you’re not free.
Dina: That’s different. Education is good for your brain.
Masha: Well, if it was so good for you, how come you have no idea how to find a job?
Dina: Wow, baby! You’re saucy, I like that!
Katya: You could also try selling stuff. We do that every once in a while.
Masha: Yeah but we’ve sold everything we could.
(Dina’s phone beeps. She reads the message)
Dina: Ah, there’s a party tonight. Want to go?
Katya: Who’s gonna be there?..
Dina: Some guy from some band, don’t remember the name. Come on, let’s go, it’ll be fun! Bring your sister too, she needs some fresh air. Life is movement! Come on, Masha, let’s rock. Go get ready. / It’s a nice bunch.
Katya: / Nah, I pass.
Masha: I have my own bunch.
Dina: Edgy! Masha, do you know this poem that goes —
(Recites Marina Tsvetaeva’s poem “You were too lazy to get dressed…”)
You were too lazy to get dressed,
Too lazy to get up for me.
And every following day for you
Would have been happy with my glee.
I was the youth that passed you by -
You did this without ill intent,
Your actions were in every way
Incorrigible, innocent.
(Masha throws her mug in the sink and walks out of the kitchen)
Katya: She’s got her finals coming up.
Dina: (Shouts to Masha as she leaves) That’s Tsvetaeva, Masha. Don’t be mad. (To Katya) So, are we going or what?
Scene 2
(Masha writes a post on her social media page)
Masha: “The more primitive a person is, the more highly they regard themselves”, E. M. Remark.
(Katya returns home, drunk. Masha meets her at the door. Katya laughs as she tries to take off her coat)
Masha: Why are you laughing?
Katya: Well, it’s just… Look, Masha, are you feeling lonely? Let’s talk.
(Masha walks around the apartment preparing to leave)
Katya: Mashunya, come on. Are you angry because I didn’t take you with us?
Masha: I’m not your property, okay? I would’ve gone if I wanted to. I just didn’t.
Katya: Bummer. It was fun.
Masha: You should go to bed.
Katya: Where are you going?
Masha: Look at the time. School.
Katya: Oh, I thought today was a day off. Mashunya... I’ve got something for you!
Masha: What is it?
Katya: We won’t be alone anymore. Guess who’s going to join us!
Masha: Oh god.
Katya: Dina. You like her? She’s really cool.
(Masha slams the door as she leaves)
Katya: Well, too bad. Dina is fun. You’ll like her. I’m sure you will. Everybody likes her.
(Katya gets online, opens Dina’s social media page, looks through her photos, including the ones taken at the last night’s party. Katya is in some of the photos, smiling. Katya scrolls through the news feed, stumbles upon her sister’s post containing Remark’s quote, frowns)
Act 2
Scene 1
(Katya and Dina unpack Dina’s stuff. Masha stands in the doorway watching the other two girls displeasedly)
Dina: So, my mom said she’ll give me some money next month, so I’m moving out soon. Hey, Mashunya, you heard me? Chill.
Masha: Don’t “mashunya” me. Why won’t you just stay at the dorm?
Dina: Well, in my freshman year, we once had a really wild party there so apparently I’m not allowed in anymore.
Katya: At least you haven’t been expelled.
Dina: No way I would be expelled. I’m smart.
(Masha leaves the room. Dina takes out a notebook from one of her boxes, opens it, shows the contents to Katya)
Dina: Look.
Katya: Woah, I would’ve never thought you collect dry plants.
Dina: They’re from different places. In each place, something important happened. It’s not just plants, here’s a sticker, a piece of cloth — can’t remember where this one’s from though. Look! Here’s the ticket for the train I once rode naked.
Katya: What?
Dina: Well, I met this guy in a bar.
Katya: Right.
Dina: We drank all night and when it was like 6 am he said let’s go to the seaside. So I said sure but he decided to also bring some of his friends along. It was fun, we would make out a lot and stuff. So we got there, watched the sunset, drank more booze, it was really romantic. So his friends apparently got all hot from looking at us making out and wanted to also get involved. It all might’ve been arranged, I dunno. Anyways, at some point they just jumped at me and started to tear off my clothes.
Katya: God! What did you do?
Dina: I escaped. It was really cold but I was lucky to catch a train back. Lost my iPhone, though.
Katya: How did you get home?
Dina: Ah, it was all in a blur.
Katya: How did you buy the ticket without money?
Dina: God, you’re such a bore!
(Dina laughs, takes the notebook from Katya, walks back to her stuff, looks through the other boxes, takes out random objects from them. Her stuff looks like she packed it in a hurry)
Dina: Okay, look. This was a gift from this really nice dude. He said, this is good music. It’s a rare one.
Katya: “The Doors”!
Dina: You’re such a know-it-all! I knew you’d like it. You can have it.
Katya: Wow, it’s the ‘67 issue.
(Katya walks up to the vinyl record player)
Dina: Wow, where did you dig up that old fossil?
Katya: It was my mother’s. She used to love vinyls, she said they deliver the purest possible sound...
(Katya puts the record on the player)
Katya: I have a favorite.
(The song “People Are Strange” by The Doors starts to play. Katya searches for a different song on the record, finds “My Eyes Have Seen You”)
Dina: What is it about?
Katya: It’s called “My Eyes Have Seen You”.
Dina: So, what’s in the lyrics?
Katya: Something about television, nothing too important. This song has a different meaning for me.
Dina: What meaning?
Katya: Just listen. It has such a cool vibe.
(The song ends)
Dina: Is that all? It’s okay, I guess.
Katya: Okay, here’s their biggest hit.
(Katya turns on “People Are Strange” and translates the lyrics line by line from russian)
Katya: Here’s the best part —
Women seem wicked when you’re unwanted
Streets are uneven when you’re down
Dina: Okay, okay, you got some mad English skills. Can we listen to the song now? Music feels best when you dance to it!
(Dina tries to make Katya dance. Katya starts to dance, hesitantly, as if she wasn’t going to dance at all. Dina dances in an errotic manner as if she has long been waiting for the right moment)
Dina: Care for a drink?
Katya: I don’t have any alcohol.
(Dina takes out a bottle of wine)
Dina: You underestimate me, honey. I always have some wine on hand.
(Katya leaves to bring a corkscrew. Dina stays in the room, studies how the record player works. Masha enters the room)
Masha: Katya!
Katya (Shouts from the kitchen): Coming!
Masha (About the record player): Stay away from it.
Dina: Hey, babe. Easy! Want a drink?
Masha: Don’t ever touch it again.
Dina: Okay, okay.
(Katya enters the room holding a corkscrew)
Katya: What happened?
Dina (about the track playing): This one’s nice.
(Masha stops the music and carries the record player out of the room)
(Katya follows Masha at a rapid pace. Their muffled conversation can be heard from behind the wall. Dina opens the window and lights up a cigarette, then suddenly remembers something, walks up to one of the boxes, takes out the Christmas lights from it, places them all around the room. She turns on the lights, walks over to the bookshelf, draws some random book from it)
Katya: Calm down, what happened?
Masha: Why did you bring her? She’s so fucking annoying, I hate her!
Katya: Come one, don’t be so hard on her. You don’t even know her!
Masha: Do you even notice how she speaks, her whole stupid attitude?
Katya: Dina is great! She’s the best student in our college. She’s smart, talented, charismatic, open-minded. You should learn from her instead of writing your stupid passive-aggresive posts.
(Katya takes the player from Masha and brings it back to the room where Dina is. Notices the Christmas lights)
Katya: (About the decoration) Woah. (About Masha) I’m really sorry about her.
Dina: Nevermind. I used to be even worse. That’s quite a library you have here!
Katya: Some of those books belonged to my parents, some are my grandma’s.
(Katya gives Dina the corkscrew. Dina opens the wine. Katya takes out two tall glasses from the cabinet)
Katya: They’re probably dirty.
Dina: Nah, they’re fine.
(Dina pours the wine)
Dina: Cheers.
Katya: I’m happy you’re here.
Dina: Wanna dance? You’ve got some nice moves.
(Katya looks for some particular record)
Katya: Here. This one’s a very special one.
(Katya turns on “Starless” by King Crimson. Katya and Dina dance slowly. Dina acts as if she tries to seduce Katya, pretending to want to kiss her. Katya plays along but Dina laughs it off, steps back and pours herself more wine)
Dina: Here’s to you, baby!
Scene 2
(The song “Starless” by King Crimson continues. Katya and Dina are having a house party. Dina and a few others smoke weed. Katya and Kolya talk standing next to the record player)
Kolya: I love this one-note solo. It’s like Robert Fripp just can’t stop and there’s no one around to hit him on his head.
Katya: Yeah, it’s impossibly long but logically it suits the entire song’s tempo-rhythm quite well.
Kolya: Exactly, the structure is just so delightfully straight-forward. God! Some songs grow on you only after you’ve heard them like a thousand times, and that’s when they show their true colors.
(Katya laughs)
Kolya: And the sax part is absolutely hilarious!
(Dina yells at some guy)
Dina: Who invited this asshole? Whose friend is he? Get the fuck outta here, you fucking sexist jerk!
(Dina comes up to Katya and Kolya)
Katya: What did he say to you? (To the sexist guy) Shove your fucking discourse up your ass and piss the fuck off! (To everyone) This party sucks, let’s play something else.
(“Starless” stops)
Dina: Okay, let’s see...
(Dina streams “Bad Kingdom” by Moderat from her laptop, dances fiercely, shrieks, drinks. Katya receives a text message from Masha saying “Is this gonna go on all night?”. Katya puts away her phone)
Kolya: So you two have been sharing this place for a while, right?
Katya: Yeah, for a couple weeks.
Kolya: She’s really… Uh. Fierce!
Katya (Reluctantly): Yeah.
Dina: Let’s dance, everyone! Drink up!
(Dina drinks wine from the bottle. Katya finishes her glass. Dina comes up to Kolya)
Dina: Hey there. You’re obviously into me. Don’t be so shy. Go ahead, I dare you.
Kolya: Hi. Yes. Hi, I’m Kolya (Holds out his hand).
(Dina leads Kolya to the dance floor. The weed-smokers suddenly realize the baggie of weed is gone, so they start searching for it. It’s nowhere to be found)
Guy 1: Dammit.
Guy 2: Shit.
Dina: Look guys, just let it go. Chill.
(Turns off the music. The weed-smokers continue looking everywhere they can reach anxiously. Others appear tense)
Dina: Okay everyone. Party’s over. Time to go home.
Katya: What’s going on?
Dina: Relax, everyone’s just drunk.
(Some people get ready to leave, excluding Guy 1 and Guy 2 who continue looking for the baggie)
Guy 1: Where the fuck can it be?
(Dina comes up to Guy 1, puts one hand in his pocket and pats his back with the other, takes out the bag out of the pocket)
Dina: Is this what you’re looking for?
Guy 1: That’s bullshit, she must’ve planted it on me!
Dina: Come on, everyone, time to leave. You (Points at Kolya). Stay. I like you.
Kolya: How did you do that?
Dina: Nevermind.
(Katya looks around perplexedly. The guests leave. Dina locks up in her room with Kolya. Katya goes to Masha’s room, sits on her bed. Laughter and murmurs are heard from Dina’s room)
Katya: So... How are things at school?
Masha: Uh… You gotta be kidding me.
Katya: Well.. How’s it going, really?
Masha: Our flatmates are moving out.
Katya: What? Why? Why didn’t they call me?
Masha: Well, maybe they couldn’t reach you.
Katya: Shit.
(Sounds of intimacy from Dina’s room become louder and louder)
Masha: I think I’m gonna throw up.
Katya: You’re overreacting. It was just one party, what’s the big deal?
Masha: So, you’re gonna come to me every time your homegirl shags another dude? I thought he was your friend.
Katya: Shags a dude! Masha, what level of discourse is that?
Masha: She keeps saying that word. Anyways, how are we supposed to make a living?
Katya: I’ll take care of that.
(Katya and Masha sit in silence. Katya stands up, goes to the kitchen and starts cleaning. Turns on Philip Glass’ Concerto for Violin and Orchestra, Movement 1 on her phone)
Dina: That’s unusual.
Katya: I need some cleansing.
Dina: Oh, come on. You were only a spectator.
Katya: It shouldn’t have happened at all. I feel dirty, vile, vicious. Sinful.
Dina: Don’t be silly. These are your insecurities speaking. Stop guilt-tripping yourself.
Katya: They definitely wouldn’t approve of how I live my life.
Dina: You don’t have to always look back to that.
(Dina leaves her room and goes to the kitchen. Hears Philip Glass playing)
Dina: That’s a strange choice.
Katya: It’s soothing.
Dina: Are you nervous, baby?
Katya: Just tired. Why did you do that?
(Katya goes to their room. Dina and Kolya are asleep or pretend to be. Katya goes to Masha’s room)
Katya: Can I stay here tonight?
Act 3
Scene 1
(Katya tries to study, a few textbooks with formulas lie in front of her. She writes and then sends a text message with the same text to Dina and Masha: “Not coming again 2nite?”. Masha replies: “No im at Nastyas. Preparing 4 exams”. Dina replies: “Nah I work late”. Katya: “What u workin on?”. Dina doesn’t reply)
Katya: Welp. Good for you. Take your time.
(Katya gets up from the desk and walks around the apartment. She turns on “People Are Strange” by “The Doors”. Remembers the night when she and Dina listened to this song. Before the song ends, Katya turns it off, returns to her desk. Stands up again and comes up to the window. Smokes. Comes up to the mirror. Watches herself smoke in the mirror. Elegantly blows clouds of smoke)
Katya: God, I’m such a cornball.
(Katya lies down on her bed. Her phone rings)
Katya: Hi. Yes. Yes, that’s right. Yes, I’m home now. Yeah, we can meet. Okay.
(Katya puts the vinyl record player in the box. The doorbell rings. Katya opens the door. It’s Kolya)
Katya: Oh god. She’s not here.
Kolya: I’m here to talk to you.
(Katya silently lets him enter)
Kolya: I called but you didn’t answer.
Katya: I know.
Kolya: Can I come in?
Katya: Okay. What happened?
Kolya: it was... wrong, it was all wrong, you know. Ugh. I don’t know what to do.
Katya: Ugh, just stop, okay? I don’t wanna listen to that.
Kolya: Alcohol is pure evil. I don’t even remember anything, all I know is that I’ve done something I shouldn’t have.
(Kolya takes out a vinyl record from his bag)
Kolya: I wanted to bring you flowers but / then I thought...
Katya: Well, this is hardly any more appropriate.
(Kolya gives Katya the vinyl)
Katya: “Those Who Do Not”. That’s quite symbolic.
Kolya: I know you probably won’t forgive me but I really, really don’t want to lose you. No one else in this world would understand the way you do. We have so much in common, like, we both like King Crimson, t.A.T.u, Psychic TV, The Doors, Philip Glass. I admire your taste in everything, it’s so perfect — and unusual.
Katya: Excuse me, there’s a guy waiting for me downstairs.
Kolya: What guy?
(Katya takes the box with the record player and walks toward the exit)
Katya: I’ll be right back.
Kolya: Oh, no. But... why?
Katya: I need money.
Kolya: I’ll give you the money, how much do you need? Please keep it!
Katya: Too late, we’ve arranged already.
Kolya: Just say you changed your mind!
Katya: But I didn’t.
Kolya: Fuck! Shit!
Katya: I’m fine. So, are we finished?
Kolya: No! Hell, no, we’re not!
Katya: You can wait here if you want.
(Kolya stays and waits)
Scene 2
(Katya waits outside her apartment block holding the box. Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 14, Movement 3 plays in her headphones)
Katya: Presto agitato. That’s the way to live! Dina always says that math is essentially poetry. I’d say, our whole world is poetry. A lantern has floated out of a puddle. An illuminated sign on the church wall reads Te Deum Laudamus. Tough looking lowlifes stroll by. The towering shadows of defoliated trees are cast against the sides of apartment blocks. The green shade of wet asphalt turns red, and then back to green, bypassing the orange spectre. A paper flower drowns in a muddy puddle. Next to it is a pile of not yet melted snow. A tall mirror sticks out from the dumpster, I see my own reflection in it. A pregnant dog stares at me. Her owner stares at her, his eyes pitch black. I’m gonna have a lot of money — enough to rent an apartment, move into it as soon as I can and live there all by myself. Or hop on a train to someplace else, get a hotel room and just spend awhile on my own.
(The buyers approach Katya, take the box from her, give her some cash. Katya writes a text message to Masha saying “Come home, let’s talk. She won’t be here, I promise”)
Act 4
Scene 1
(Some time has passed. Dina and Katya sit in the kitchen)
Dina: So you’re a conformist.
Katya: / No, I’m not.
Dina: / You’ve always been like that. Look at these wallpapers, do you like them?
Katya: Not really.
Dina: Then why don’t you just get rid of them? They’re tasteless, and just plain ugly! They’ve been up here for decades, right?
Katya: I can’t afford to buy new ones.
Dina: / That sucks. I have lots of money now.
(Dina walks up to the wall)
Dina: And your stupid wallpapers makes me sick.
(Dina starts to tear down the wallpapers)
Dina: Come on, help me out here. Don’t worry, I’ll buy you new ones. What else do you need, just let me know, okay? (Sings the lyrics to t.A.T.u’s “Not Gonna Get Us”) We’ll run away, on roads that are empty. Lights from the airfield, shining upon you.
(Dina laughs)
Katya: Where did you get the money?
Dina: I have a job now, and it’s fucking amazing.
Katya: What kind of job? Just tell me.
Dina: Well, remember the conference where you and that friend of yours gave a speech about fractals?
Katya: His name’s Kolya.
Dina: Where did you even find him?
Katya: You know it.
Dina: / Okay, whatever. Anyways, Mr. Schreiber called me up and said that my project was outstanding and asked if I wanted to write a piece for the Bulletin of the Academy of Sciences.
Katya: Oh wow. So they paid you a lot for that?
Dina: Nah, I didn’t get paid at all. I did that for my own pleasure.
Katya: Okay, so what about your real job?
Dina: It’s just a stupid job. Pays great though.
Katya: I wonder if anyone else was offered to write for the Bulletin.
Dina: I don’t think anyone was. Who else would be a good fit for that?
Katya: Yeah, I guess.
(Katya peels off a huge patch of wallpaper. Some old newspaper can be seen under it, the text printed in it is legible)
Dina (Reads): “There’s something metaphysical about the Soviet people’s passion for beer”.
Katya: Are you’re making that up?
(Katya looks closer. Dina laughs)
Katya: It can’t be there.
Dina: “Something mysterious and otherworldly. As I sat with a mug of Czech…”. Can’t make out the rest. It’s like a sign, isn’t it? Like Bacchus talking to me from these walls! This calls for a six-pack! Or maybe something better.
Katya: I thought you had some work to finish.
Dina: I will, why wouldn’t I.
(Dina leaves. Katya stays in the kitchen where a patch of wallpaper now hangs off the wall. She looks around. Dina returns)
Dina: I met your sister in the hall. Why did you kick her out? She’s cool. Better than your boyfriend.
Katya: I didn’t kick her out. She’s staying in another apartment that have, just upstairs from here. It’s just that she...
Dina: Okay, nevermind. Sister issues.
Katya: Not… really...
Dina: Mmm, beer!
(Dina goes to her room. Random patches of wallpaper hang from the wall. Some bits are on the floor. Katya tears off another small piece. Notices a receipt from the grocery store lying on the table. Studies it. Goes after Dina)
Katya: Where do they even sell beer at that price?
Dina: What’s wrong, baby?
Katya: What kind of job do you have?
Dina: Oh, come on, why does it matter?
Scene 2
(Katya stands in front of the mirror applying cream on her face before bed)
Dina: Why are you doing this?
Katya: I have dry skin.
Dina: Or are you afraid of premature aging maybe?
(Dina laughs)
Dina: Well considering how much I drink, I’m probably gonna die soon. There will be a bunch of flowers on my grave. Scientists will dig out my brain and study it. I’m sure you’ll still be alive though. You might outlive me for at least like 50 years, and spend it remembering how I was.
Katya: Not necessarily with good thoughts.
Dina: Ugh, don’t be silly, Katya. How is that important? These are merely the parameters of relativity. You and I are like Jim Morrison and Ray Manzarek. Ray wrote great music, but who cares about him when it comes to “The Doors”? Only you, maybe.
Katya: This doesn’t seem like a valid example.
Dina: Oh, come on, it’s true. I don’t even know his name. I don’t even think about that. But you do.
(Recites a verse from Anna Akhmatova’s poem “A loved one makes her demands at will…”)
Earthly drinks are too sweet anyhow,
Nets of love are too tight, all the same,
In their lesson books, years from now,
Let the children discover my name.
(Katya turns away from the mirror)
Dina: You are beautiful, Katya. Very beautiful.
Katya: Why are you saying this?
Dina: Because it’s true.
Katya: Stop mocking me.
(Dina walks into the bathroom, shudders)
Dina: God, you scared me.
Scene 3
(Katya sits on the couch in front of her laptop. A few textbooks lie in front of her)
Dina: Look at me. Look, look, look!
Katya: If you don’t shut up right now, I’ll rip my eyes out, sew them onto yours and you will have to look at them until your dying day.
Dina: Come on, look at me just one more time.
(Katya stays silent)
Dina: Why are you so boring? (Opens the window) Look how nice it is outside. Let’s go for a walk.
Katya: Please, don’t I’m cold.
Dina: It’s so nice out!
Katya: What do I need to say for you to leave me alone?
Dina: It’s so fucking awesome!
Katya: Your mom’s calling.
Dina: Ah, look, there’s a really gross-looking dog eating a pigeon!
Katya: Pick up your phone.
Dina: You know, I had no idea dogs eat dead birds. There’s all this buzz about the meaning of life and whatnot. Do people even know what they’re talking about? Why doesn’t anyone care about the meaning of this pigeon’s life? And what about the dog?
Katya: Smoke in the kitchen. I told you a hundred times!
Dina: Speaking of dogs, did you know that hedgehogs eat dog food?
Katya: Hello. Yes, I’m passing her to you.
Dina (Refuses to talk): Tell her I’m dead. No, tell her I was eaten by a dog!
Katya: She says she’ll call you back in a minute. What do even want?
Dina: I want you to look at me.
Katya: Okay.
Dina: Katya, tell me, what meaning of life do the thoughts in your head have?
Katya: Oh god.
Dina: Who are you, Katya?
Katya: Who are you?
Dina: What does your name mean, by the way?
Katya: I don’t know.
Dina: Are you kidding me?
(Dina looks up the name Katya on the web)
Dina: It means “pure”. Oxford’s Dictionary of First Names states that the etymology of this name is uncertain. You’re so mysterious. I like it.
Katya: What does your name mean?
(Dina walks into the room with a bottle of expensive alcohol)
Dina: Get off your gadgets, baby. We’re having a party!
Katya: What? Why?
Dina: You need a reason to celebrate? How about Einstein’s birthday?
Katya: Is this even true?
Dina: Fuck knows, you can check it if you want.
(Dina notices the record player)
Dina: Oh, I thought you sold it.
Katya: Kolya gave me a new one.
Dina: He seems to really love you.
(People crowd the room. Dina gets drunk quickly. She walks up to a guy who eats a slice of bread)
Dina: Why don’t you add some of this!
(Dina pours chocolate-flavored lube on top of the slice. The guy makes a wry face)
Guy: What’s that?
Dina: Look closer! I’ve prepared for our date.
Guy: But we just met.
Dina: I knew we would!
(Dina takes the slice from him and licks off as much lube as she can in an erotic fashion)
Dina: Mmm, delicious!
(Dina leans over to the stunned-looking guy, kisses him, then leaves to dance. Meanwhile, Katya roams around the room looking unsettled, she clearly lacks Kolya’s attention. Kolya says something to her but she can’t hear him. Some of the walls in the kitchen are still without wallpaper. Katya trails her hand across the wall. Some lime plaster remains on her fingertips. Dina walks up to Katya)
Dina: Baby, why are you all alone in here? What’s wrong? Want to dance?
Katya: You know I’m not a big dancer...
Dina: Shhh.
(Dina and Katya dance. Dina is drunk, she speaks in a slow voice)
Dina: Katya, Katya ... I’m so drunk right now... You ... Katya, Katya ...
Katya: I know...
Dina: No, you don’t understand, Katya...
(Katya puts her arms around Dina, holds her close to herself. Dina notices Kolya)
Dina: Why do you even care about this dork? I don’t get it. I knew right away he was a total nitwit. He’s nowhere as smart as you.
Katya: I don’t know.
Dina: Screw it all, Katya, be with me.
(Dina kisses Katya. Kolya throws his glass of wine at them and leaves)
Dina: He’s no good for you.
Katya: Kolya!
(Kolya leaves. Dina takes Katya to her room)
Dina: Wait here, baby. Just relax, okay? Promise me.
(Katya kisses Dina)
Dina: Promise.
Katya: I promise.
Dina: I’ll be a minute.
(Dina returns to the kitchen. Katya acts anxiously. She checks her look in the mirror, fixes her hair. Looks at her body, unzips her jeans, looks at her panties. Reaches into the drawer, takes out another pair of panties. Fixes hair again. Takes off her bra, now dressed only in her t-shirt and panties. Dina is still away. Katya walks into the kitchen. Dina talks to the bread guy. Then kisses him, takes him to her room)
Dina: Let’s go?
Katya: I’ll be right back.
(Katya runs out of her apartment block. Walks down the street, as if this is her first time)
Katya: Where am I
while she’s there
my eyes catch
reflections of city lights
slowly creeping across puddles
I look through the shop windows
beautiful chandeliers
expensive bathtubs
a lost mitten on the ground
a fragment of a cardboard box
there’s a dent on it
rainwater got inside of it
and turned it into a puddle
a wheeled garbage container moved away from the pavement
almost as if by inertia, cars pass around it
I approach a crossing
I see a red light
I continue walking
Red turns to green
I start to cross the road
but realize I look at the wrong light
it was red for the cars
not me
I wait
no cars
I could go
yet I stand still
waiting
then I move
take a step forward
but the light turns green
and it’s like I moved when the red was on
so it doesn’t count
as I began walking
it turned green
which means I moved when the green was on
that’s it
this is the answer
that’s my whole life
(quotes t.a.t.u songs)
each on their own
all this weeping in the air,
who can tell where it will fall
I'm a star, you're a star
we’ve been ordered to burn
someone got a hold of the addresses
of our secret meeting spots
never ever beg okay okay
just catch myself and calm down who gets who
apparently it will turn out it’d be easier not to become acquainted
Mother looking at me, tell me what do you see?
Daddy looking at me, will I ever be free?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
(Katya disappears)
Act 5
Scene 1
(Some time has passed. Masha and Dina lie on the kitchen floor. The wallpapers in the kitchen has been redone)
Masha: How many times have you tried it?
Dina: More than you can imagine. Are you afraid, baby?
Masha: No, I feel that it’s worth it.
Dina: Well, honestly, I never tried this one before. And I’m not doing this because it’s worth it.
Masha: Have you ever been afraid to overdose and die?
Dina: You’re afraid of dying, and I’m afraid of staying alive.
Masha: Why? Life is a total no-brainer, but what happens after? It’s so scary.
(During her monologue, Dina seduces Masha by undressing her and taking off her own clothes. She interrupts her speech every now and then to kiss Masha and her actions become increasingly sexual. At the last sentence, she stops)
Dina: You know,
I know everything that will be.
No, not all.
I know what will happen next.
in 320 years, the Chernobyl zone will be habitable again.
In 5,200 years, the Gregorian calendar will be one day behind the astronomical year.
The polar stars will change a few times.
in 10,000 years, humanity will cease to exist.
in 50,000 years, Niagara Falls will disappear.
in 40 million years, Phobos will crash into Mars.
in 50 million years, Australia will cross the equator, California will sink into the ocean and Africa will collide with Europe and Asia, closing off the Mediterranean.
And in the next 100 million years, Antarctica and Australia will be the same continent, while North America will merge with Greenland.
in 600 million years, a total solar eclipse will no longer be possible because the Moon will be too far from the Earth.
In a billion years, all seas will disappear.
in three billion years, the Earth will turn into a new Venus.
The era of black holes will begin, the sun will evaporate through Hawking radiation, then eternal darkness will reign, and if protons do not dissolve, then all matter will decay into iron-56.
In more than a million years, a Boltzmann brain will appear
conscious of itself
and of the surrounding space
It will observe the final energy state of the Universe
Why? Why would it observe and be conscious of all that?
Do you know how it will end? It will end with the Poincaré theorem.
Everything will return to where it started — but we don’t know where that is exactly. It’s not really scary to think about that, it was a long time ago and it won’t happen soon.
Not existing before you come to exist isn’t scary.
What is scary is not existing after.
And I know what will happen after.
As if I actually existed.
And then it will all start over again.
And I will come to exist again.
Again, I will go all the way.
Scared, I will anticipate the death of my parents, and then my own death, and then I will be scared of living.
I will be going to school or college.
I will be telling everyone that I’m searching for myself — and I will actually search.
And then I will finish school and college, and I’ll need to look for a job, and I will hate that, of course.
I will resent the need to perform strange actions without any clear purpose, or worse, for money to pay for food, clothes, bills, or birth control pills.
I don’t know yet if end up having a child or not, but all this will happen again.
Do you realize that every day we write scenarios of how the world might turn out. It’s just a huge lottery ticket, everyone wants to play but also no one does because all of those scenarios are pessimistic.
Ever heard about the gray goo scenario? Or how the universe will end in a Big Rip — can’t remember why — just because it keeps growing constantly, moving through space, rushing forward, spinning around. Where, why, how?
And if it doesn’t grow, then you know what? It will shrink to a tiny point.
You, me, everyone you love will just turn into a fraction of a speck of dust.
And why should I care, why should you care — we won’t even be there, so why should we even bother?
So apparently fear is something we can only feel about what is here and now.
But if you break down every “here and now” into milliseconds, what will you get? It will turn out that in every given moment the arrow is resting at a certain point in space. It is still, it doesn’t kill, it doesn’t pierce the flesh — which means nothing happens really. Eternal peace can be found now, not later.
Every “now” is here.
Thank you, Zenon. Thank you, Poincaré.
Ideas keep the world running.
Maybe it’s all wrong but I feel so calm right now.
This Poincaré’s idea I’ve read consisted of three lines and there was no evidence in them.
But I’m sure that everything is how I understood it.
Because I feel it.
And this makes me feel so calm.
But this calmness melts away fast.
How will we evolve mentally? What will it change? Doesn’t the same thing happen every day, every year, every century? Don’t we all share the same problems? Isn’t our life just one big “Animal Planet” episode?
Our universe is doomed and we can only think of when and how it will die.
It is suffering countless illnesses.
If I could come up with something to help the crisis, to prevent the suicide, to harness fear.
Can I?
The saving unit
I have so many tools in my arsenal.
Someday I'll figure it out again.
(Masha and Dina light up a cigarette)
Masha: You know what the problem here is?
Dina: What?
Masha: Well, if you know everything, why are you not trying to impact the present? If it’s in your power to make anything happen in this moment that is now.
Dina: No, you don’t get it. I can’t make anything happen. It’s just that it won’t just happen, it has already happened countless times.Thousand, million times, over and over, again and again.
(Dina and Masha hold hands in silence)
Masha: This sounds really scary.
Dina: It’s not, I think it’s fun. After all, you can do anything and you won’t fail.
Masha: You know, I keep thinking about one thing. Just before the accident my mom told me a story. When she was young, she dated a guy. It was a long-distance relationship, so they’d write each other letters. At some point, they moved in together, but then the reality kicked in. After one of their breakups, mom’s boyfriend gave her a doll he made himself out of wire frame and rope. When mom saw it she freaked out first, ‘cause it looked really creepy, like a cult tool or something. Yet she kept it. The doll would stand on the shelf for years, observing my mom’s life. Later she broke up with that guy and they didn’t keep in touch. So one day my mom decided to get rid of the old stuff, so she threw away that doll. But my dad found it in the trash and thought he might use it for scraps. He had no idea where it was from or anything about it. So one day he dismantled the doll all the way to the carcass and threw the rest of it away. That was when my mom sensed something. She went through the trash and found the doll’s head which was made out of tape. She tore through the tape and the paper filling and found a tiny postcard, about half an inch each side. It read: “Everything will be how you want it to be”.
Dina: Wow. Did she keep that postcard?
Masha: Mom said she did. But she kept it in a secret place. Maybe she always kept it with her. I never saw it.
Dina: That’s crazy.
Masha: Maybe it didn’t even happen.
Dina: Sounds too good to be fiction.
(Dina and Masha stay still)
Dina: I feel so amazing right now I could die. How can it feel so good? How long have we been like this?
Masha: I don’t know. Five or seven minutes?
Dina: Seemed like hours… I haven’t told you yet — I will move out next week. My parents bought an apartment for me. That would probably be really dumb if I died right now, but I don’t feel that at all.
Masha: I wish I had parents.
Dina: You will have them. Again.
Masha: You sound like a preacher. But I feel now that there’s no afterlife or whatever. I’m just a bunch of particles that dissolve in space, shaping into one form or another.
Dina: You have no idea how obvious this is. You just haven’t caught the right wave yet. You’re right, we are particles. I’m proud of you, Masha, I really am. You’ve walked the path. When we first met, you were so absurd.
Masha: It’s like, that wasn’t even me.
Dina: Well, part of you was completely different. Like a different person.
Masha: You were different too.
Dina: No, I wasn’t. I’m different now. I am how you want me to be.
Scene 2
(Masha is alone in her room. Dina’s stuff is gone. She looks through the remaining things. She walks up to the record player but does not turn it on. She removes the books from the piano that was hidden under them all this time, opens the fall board and strums a chord. The piano is out of tune. Masha runs her fingers across the keyboard playing a passage through several octaves. She seems to make a silent conclusion: “Not quite in tune but playable”. She takes the chair, sits at the piano and improvises a simple tune gradually developing in a more atonal and at the same time expressive direction. She tries different techniques. Eventually, the music becoming calmer and more consonant. Masha suddenly notices a cockroach and kills it with a book at hand)
Scene 3
Masha, raised to the power of Katya and Dina, plus Kolya, has reduced to zero, from where she can now move in any direction
Epilogue & prologue
(An unknown period of time has passed. Time had ended, began anew and arrived at this moment. Katya sits at her laptop in the kitchen, the wallpapers are as they were initially. Katya writes a message to Kolya on a social media platform attaching t.A.T.u’s song “We Shout”)
Katya: “Sometimes I just can’t help listening to t.A.T.u. I feel so stupid, I hear their songs, cry and sing”.
Kolya (Replies): “Nothing to embarrassed about. It’s great music, so powerful, amazing production, great team behind it, really world-class and creative. Why do you cry though? Well, I guess it’s good to cry.”
Katya: “Because I feel like I’m literally torn apart. Why didn’t they choose us? It was such a cool project to be a part of.”
Kolya: “Well, you know how it works. Nothing is what it seems, I will affect you, I will protect you from all the crazy schemes. Can’t you hear it yourself? I’m with you.”
Katya: “I don’t get it I don’t understand I don’t want to know.”
(The doorbell rings. Katya opens the door. It’s Dina)
Dina: Oh my god, are you crying?
Katya: No, I’m fine.
Dina: I leave you alone for an hour and you start to cry.
Katya: I can’t because I can’t, I can’t.
Dina: What do you mean you can’t? Let’s have some wine.
Katya: I don’t want wine.
Dina: Okay, just kidding, no wine, let’s have some tea. Screw. It. All.
(Katya and Dina go to the kitchen)
Dina: So, what happened?
Katya: It just doesn’t seem like I’m doing the right thing.
Dina: Ugh, not again. Maybe it’s true. But why beat yourself up over this? How about you try something else.
Katya: Is this important? This is important. And hard to accept. Why can’t I suffer? Why do you always blame me?
Dina: Suffer all you want. it’s just that you’re being sad and unproductive.
Katya: Do you really think that I’m doing the wrong thing?
Dina: Well, in your case, it probably doesn’t make any difference.
Katya: God, why do you always do this to me?
Dina: Honestly, I don’t think anything good will come out of all this. There was a brief moment recently when you seemed like you were getting out of your never-ending depression — “I can’t do this”, “I don’t fit in”, bla-bla-bla. But apparently you will spend most of your life like that, and I’ll have to watch you fade away. I can only hope this will be an exciting show!
(Katya stays silent)
Katya: Should I just quit, just leave, start a new life?
Dina: How do I know? You could though.
(Katya stays silent)
Dina: Okay, give me your hand.
Katya: Why?
Dina: Just let me see it.
(Katya obeys. Dina studies the palm of her hand)
Dina: Oh! Well. You’ll be fine.
Katya: You’re lying!
Dina: No, I used to do palm reading as a hobby. You will be fine. Trust me. I mean it.
Katya: What does fine even mean?
Dina: Anything.
Katya: Oh, fuck, a cockroach!
(Dina kills the cockroach. Masha walks into the kitchen)
The end. The beginning.
Act 3
Scene 1
(Katya tries to study, a few textbooks with formulas lie in front of her. She writes and then sends a text message with the same text to Dina and Masha: “Not coming again 2nite?”. Masha replies: “No im at Nastyas. Preparing 4 exams”. Dina replies: “Nah I work late”. Katya: “What u workin on?”. Dina doesn’t reply)
Katya: Welp. Good for you. Take your time.
(Katya gets up from the desk and walks around the apartment. She turns on “People Are Strange” by “The Doors”. Remembers the night when she and Dina listened to this song. Before the song ends, Katya turns it off, returns to her desk. Stands up again and comes up to the window. Smokes. Comes up to the mirror. Watches herself smoke in the mirror. Elegantly blows clouds of smoke)
Katya: God, I’m such a cornball.
(Katya lies down on her bed. Her phone rings)
Katya: Hi. Yes. Yes, that’s right. Yes, I’m home now. Yeah, we can meet. Okay.
(Katya puts the vinyl record player in the box. The doorbell rings. Katya opens the door. It’s Kolya)
Katya: Oh god. She’s not here.
Kolya: I’m here to talk to you.
(Katya silently lets him enter)
Kolya: I called but you didn’t answer.
Katya: I know.
Kolya: Can I come in?
Katya: Okay. What happened?
Kolya: it was... wrong, it was all wrong, you know. Ugh. I don’t know what to do.
Katya: Ugh, just stop, okay? I don’t wanna listen to that.
Kolya: Alcohol is pure evil. I don’t even remember anything, all I know is that I’ve done something I shouldn’t have.
(Kolya takes out a vinyl record from his bag)
Kolya: I wanted to bring you flowers but / then I thought...
Katya: Well, this is hardly any more appropriate.
(Kolya gives Katya the vinyl)
Katya: “Those Who Do Not”. That’s quite symbolic.
Kolya: I know you probably won’t forgive me but I really, really don’t want to lose you. No one else in this world would understand the way you do. We have so much in common, like, we both like King Crimson, t.A.T.u, Psychic TV, The Doors, Philip Glass. I admire your taste in everything, it’s so perfect — and unusual.
Katya: Excuse me, there’s a guy waiting for me downstairs.
Kolya: What guy?
(Katya takes the box with the record player and walks toward the exit)
Katya: I’ll be right back.
Kolya: Oh, no. But... why?
Katya: I need money.
Kolya: I’ll give you the money, how much do you need? Please keep it!
Katya: Too late, we’ve arranged already.
Kolya: Just say you changed your mind!
Katya: But I didn’t.
Kolya: Fuck! Shit!
Katya: I’m fine. So, are we finished?
Kolya: No! Hell, no, we’re not!
Katya: You can wait here if you want.
(Kolya stays and waits)
Scene 2
(Katya waits outside her apartment block holding the box. Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 14, Movement 3 plays in her headphones)
Katya: Presto agitato. That’s the way to live! Dina always says that math is essentially poetry. I’d say, our whole world is poetry. A lantern has floated out of a puddle. An illuminated sign on the church wall reads Te Deum Laudamus. Tough looking lowlifes stroll by. The towering shadows of defoliated trees are cast against the sides of apartment blocks. The green shade of wet asphalt turns red, and then back to green, bypassing the orange spectre. A paper flower drowns in a muddy puddle. Next to it is a pile of not yet melted snow. A tall mirror sticks out from the dumpster, I see my own reflection in it. A pregnant dog stares at me. Her owner stares at her, his eyes pitch black. I’m gonna have a lot of money — enough to rent an apartment, move into it as soon as I can and live there all by myself. Or hop on a train to someplace else, get a hotel room and just spend awhile on my own.
(The buyers approach Katya, take the box from her, give her some cash. Katya writes a text message to Masha saying “Come home, let’s talk. She won’t be here, I promise”)
Act 4
Scene 1
(Some time has passed. Dina and Katya sit in the kitchen)
Dina: So you’re a conformist.
Katya: / No, I’m not.
Dina: / You’ve always been like that. Look at these wallpapers, do you like them?
Katya: Not really.
Dina: Then why don’t you just get rid of them? They’re tasteless, and just plain ugly! They’ve been up here for decades, right?
Katya: I can’t afford to buy new ones.
Dina: / That sucks. I have lots of money now.
(Dina walks up to the wall)
Dina: And your stupid wallpapers makes me sick.
(Dina starts to tear down the wallpapers)
Dina: Come on, help me out here. Don’t worry, I’ll buy you new ones. What else do you need, just let me know, okay? (Sings the lyrics to t.A.T.u’s “Not Gonna Get Us”) We’ll run away, on roads that are empty. Lights from the airfield, shining upon you.
(Dina laughs)
Katya: Where did you get the money?
Dina: I have a job now, and it’s fucking amazing.
Katya: What kind of job? Just tell me.
Dina: Well, remember the conference where you and that friend of yours gave a speech about fractals?
Katya: His name’s Kolya.
Dina: Where did you even find him?
Katya: You know it.
Dina: / Okay, whatever. Anyways, Mr. Schreiber called me up and said that my project was outstanding and asked if I wanted to write a piece for the Bulletin of the Academy of Sciences.
Katya: Oh wow. So they paid you a lot for that?
Dina: Nah, I didn’t get paid at all. I did that for my own pleasure.
Katya: Okay, so what about your real job?
Dina: It’s just a stupid job. Pays great though.
Katya: I wonder if anyone else was offered to write for the Bulletin.
Dina: I don’t think anyone was. Who else would be a good fit for that?
Katya: Yeah, I guess.
(Katya peels off a huge patch of wallpaper. Some old newspaper can be seen under it, the text printed in it is legible)
Dina (Reads): “There’s something metaphysical about the Soviet people’s passion for beer”.
Katya: Are you’re making that up?
(Katya looks closer. Dina laughs)
Katya: It can’t be there.
Dina: “Something mysterious and otherworldly. As I sat with a mug of Czech…”. Can’t make out the rest. It’s like a sign, isn’t it? Like Bacchus talking to me from these walls! This calls for a six-pack! Or maybe something better.
Katya: I thought you had some work to finish.
Dina: I will, why wouldn’t I.
(Dina leaves. Katya stays in the kitchen where a patch of wallpaper now hangs off the wall. She looks around. Dina returns)
Dina: I met your sister in the hall. Why did you kick her out? She’s cool. Better than your boyfriend.
Katya: I didn’t kick her out. She’s staying in another apartment that have, just upstairs from here. It’s just that she...
Dina: Okay, nevermind. Sister issues.
Katya: Not… really...
Dina: Mmm, beer!
(Dina goes to her room. Random patches of wallpaper hang from the wall. Some bits are on the floor. Katya tears off another small piece. Notices a receipt from the grocery store lying on the table. Studies it. Goes after Dina)
Katya: Where do they even sell beer at that price?
Dina: What’s wrong, baby?
Katya: What kind of job do you have?
Dina: Oh, come on, why does it matter?
Scene 2
(Katya stands in front of the mirror applying cream on her face before bed)
Dina: Why are you doing this?
Katya: I have dry skin.
Dina: Or are you afraid of premature aging maybe?
(Dina laughs)
Dina: Well considering how much I drink, I’m probably gonna die soon. There will be a bunch of flowers on my grave. Scientists will dig out my brain and study it. I’m sure you’ll still be alive though. You might outlive me for at least like 50 years, and spend it remembering how I was.
Katya: Not necessarily with good thoughts.
Dina: Ugh, don’t be silly, Katya. How is that important? These are merely the parameters of relativity. You and I are like Jim Morrison and Ray Manzarek. Ray wrote great music, but who cares about him when it comes to “The Doors”? Only you, maybe.
Katya: This doesn’t seem like a valid example.
Dina: Oh, come on, it’s true. I don’t even know his name. I don’t even think about that. But you do.
(Recites a verse from Anna Akhmatova’s poem “A loved one makes her demands at will…”)
Earthly drinks are too sweet anyhow,
Nets of love are too tight, all the same,
In their lesson books, years from now,
Let the children discover my name.
(Katya turns away from the mirror)
Dina: You are beautiful, Katya. Very beautiful.
Katya: Why are you saying this?
Dina: Because it’s true.
Katya: Stop mocking me.
(Dina walks into the bathroom, shudders)
Dina: God, you scared me.
Scene 3
(Katya sits on the couch in front of her laptop. A few textbooks lie in front of her)
Dina: Look at me. Look, look, look!
Katya: If you don’t shut up right now, I’ll rip my eyes out, sew them onto yours and you will have to look at them until your dying day.
Dina: Come on, look at me just one more time.
(Katya stays silent)
Dina: Why are you so boring? (Opens the window) Look how nice it is outside. Let’s go for a walk.
Katya: Please, don’t I’m cold.
Dina: It’s so nice out!
Katya: What do I need to say for you to leave me alone?
Dina: It’s so fucking awesome!
Katya: Your mom’s calling.
Dina: Ah, look, there’s a really gross-looking dog eating a pigeon!
Katya: Pick up your phone.
Dina: You know, I had no idea dogs eat dead birds. There’s all this buzz about the meaning of life and whatnot. Do people even know what they’re talking about? Why doesn’t anyone care about the meaning of this pigeon’s life? And what about the dog?
Katya: Smoke in the kitchen. I told you a hundred times!
Dina: Speaking of dogs, did you know that hedgehogs eat dog food?
Katya: Hello. Yes, I’m passing her to you.
Dina (Refuses to talk): Tell her I’m dead. No, tell her I was eaten by a dog!
Katya: She says she’ll call you back in a minute. What do even want?
Dina: I want you to look at me.
Katya: Okay.
Dina: Katya, tell me, what meaning of life do the thoughts in your head have?
Katya: Oh god.
Dina: Who are you, Katya?
Katya: Who are you?
Dina: What does your name mean, by the way?
Katya: I don’t know.
Dina: Are you kidding me?
(Dina looks up the name Katya on the web)
Dina: It means “pure”. Oxford’s Dictionary of First Names states that the etymology of this name is uncertain. You’re so mysterious. I like it.
Katya: What does your name mean?
(Dina walks into the room with a bottle of expensive alcohol)
Dina: Get off your gadgets, baby. We’re having a party!
Katya: What? Why?
Dina: You need a reason to celebrate? How about Einstein’s birthday?
Katya: Is this even true?
Dina: Fuck knows, you can check it if you want.
(Dina notices the record player)
Dina: Oh, I thought you sold it.
Katya: Kolya gave me a new one.
Dina: He seems to really love you.
(People crowd the room. Dina gets drunk quickly. She walks up to a guy who eats a slice of bread)
Dina: Why don’t you add some of this!
(Dina pours chocolate-flavored lube on top of the slice. The guy makes a wry face)
Guy: What’s that?
Dina: Look closer! I’ve prepared for our date.
Guy: But we just met.
Dina: I knew we would!
(Dina takes the slice from him and licks off as much lube as she can in an erotic fashion)
Dina: Mmm, delicious!
(Dina leans over to the stunned-looking guy, kisses him, then leaves to dance. Meanwhile, Katya roams around the room looking unsettled, she clearly lacks Kolya’s attention. Kolya says something to her but she can’t hear him. Some of the walls in the kitchen are still without wallpaper. Katya trails her hand across the wall. Some lime plaster remains on her fingertips. Dina walks up to Katya)
Dina: Baby, why are you all alone in here? What’s wrong? Want to dance?
Katya: You know I’m not a big dancer...
Dina: Shhh.
(Dina and Katya dance. Dina is drunk, she speaks in a slow voice)
Dina: Katya, Katya ... I’m so drunk right now... You ... Katya, Katya ...
Katya: I know...
Dina: No, you don’t understand, Katya...
(Katya puts her arms around Dina, holds her close to herself. Dina notices Kolya)
Dina: Why do you even care about this dork? I don’t get it. I knew right away he was a total nitwit. He’s nowhere as smart as you.
Katya: I don’t know.
Dina: Screw it all, Katya, be with me.
(Dina kisses Katya. Kolya throws his glass of wine at them and leaves)
Dina: He’s no good for you.
Katya: Kolya!
(Kolya leaves. Dina takes Katya to her room)
Dina: Wait here, baby. Just relax, okay? Promise me.
(Katya kisses Dina)
Dina: Promise.
Katya: I promise.
Dina: I’ll be a minute.
(Dina returns to the kitchen. Katya acts anxiously. She checks her look in the mirror, fixes her hair. Looks at her body, unzips her jeans, looks at her panties. Reaches into the drawer, takes out another pair of panties. Fixes hair again. Takes off her bra, now dressed only in her t-shirt and panties. Dina is still away. Katya walks into the kitchen. Dina talks to the bread guy. Then kisses him, takes him to her room)
Dina: Let’s go?
Katya: I’ll be right back.
(Katya runs out of her apartment block. Walks down the street, as if this is her first time)
Katya: Where am I
while she’s there
my eyes catch
reflections of city lights
slowly creeping across puddles
I look through the shop windows
beautiful chandeliers
expensive bathtubs
a lost mitten on the ground
a fragment of a cardboard box
there’s a dent on it
rainwater got inside of it
and turned it into a puddle
a wheeled garbage container moved away from the pavement
almost as if by inertia, cars pass around it
I approach a crossing
I see a red light
I continue walking
Red turns to green
I start to cross the road
but realize I look at the wrong light
it was red for the cars
not me
I wait
no cars
I could go
yet I stand still
waiting
then I move
take a step forward
but the light turns green
and it’s like I moved when the red was on
so it doesn’t count
as I began walking
it turned green
which means I moved when the green was on
that’s it
this is the answer
that’s my whole life
(quotes t.a.t.u songs)
each on their own
all this weeping in the air,
who can tell where it will fall
I'm a star, you're a star
we’ve been ordered to burn
someone got a hold of the addresses
of our secret meeting spots
never ever beg okay okay
just catch myself and calm down who gets who
apparently it will turn out it’d be easier not to become acquainted
Mother looking at me, tell me what do you see?
Daddy looking at me, will I ever be free?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
(Katya disappears)
Act 5
Scene 1
(Some time has passed. Masha and Dina lie on the kitchen floor. The wallpapers in the kitchen has been redone)
Masha: How many times have you tried it?
Dina: More than you can imagine. Are you afraid, baby?
Masha: No, I feel that it’s worth it.
Dina: Well, honestly, I never tried this one before. And I’m not doing this because it’s worth it.
Masha: Have you ever been afraid to overdose and die?
Dina: You’re afraid of dying, and I’m afraid of staying alive.
Masha: Why? Life is a total no-brainer, but what happens after? It’s so scary.
(During her monologue, Dina seduces Masha by undressing her and taking off her own clothes. She interrupts her speech every now and then to kiss Masha and her actions become increasingly sexual. At the last sentence, she stops)
Dina: You know,
I know everything that will be.
No, not all.
I know what will happen next.
in 320 years, the Chernobyl zone will be habitable again.
In 5,200 years, the Gregorian calendar will be one day behind the astronomical year.
The polar stars will change a few times.
in 10,000 years, humanity will cease to exist.
in 50,000 years, Niagara Falls will disappear.
in 40 million years, Phobos will crash into Mars.
in 50 million years, Australia will cross the equator, California will sink into the ocean and Africa will collide with Europe and Asia, closing off the Mediterranean.
And in the next 100 million years, Antarctica and Australia will be the same continent, while North America will merge with Greenland.
in 600 million years, a total solar eclipse will no longer be possible because the Moon will be too far from the Earth.
In a billion years, all seas will disappear.
in three billion years, the Earth will turn into a new Venus.
The era of black holes will begin, the sun will evaporate through Hawking radiation, then eternal darkness will reign, and if protons do not dissolve, then all matter will decay into iron-56.
In more than a million years, a Boltzmann brain will appear
conscious of itself
and of the surrounding space
It will observe the final energy state of the Universe
Why? Why would it observe and be conscious of all that?
Do you know how it will end? It will end with the Poincaré theorem.
Everything will return to where it started — but we don’t know where that is exactly. It’s not really scary to think about that, it was a long time ago and it won’t happen soon.
Not existing before you come to exist isn’t scary.
What is scary is not existing after.
And I know what will happen after.
As if I actually existed.
And then it will all start over again.
And I will come to exist again.
Again, I will go all the way.
Scared, I will anticipate the death of my parents, and then my own death, and then I will be scared of living.
I will be going to school or college.
I will be telling everyone that I’m searching for myself — and I will actually search.
And then I will finish school and college, and I’ll need to look for a job, and I will hate that, of course.
I will resent the need to perform strange actions without any clear purpose, or worse, for money to pay for food, clothes, bills, or birth control pills.
I don’t know yet if end up having a child or not, but all this will happen again.
Do you realize that every day we write scenarios of how the world might turn out. It’s just a huge lottery ticket, everyone wants to play but also no one does because all of those scenarios are pessimistic.
Ever heard about the gray goo scenario? Or how the universe will end in a Big Rip — can’t remember why — just because it keeps growing constantly, moving through space, rushing forward, spinning around. Where, why, how?
And if it doesn’t grow, then you know what? It will shrink to a tiny point.
You, me, everyone you love will just turn into a fraction of a speck of dust.
And why should I care, why should you care — we won’t even be there, so why should we even bother?
So apparently fear is something we can only feel about what is here and now.
But if you break down every “here and now” into milliseconds, what will you get? It will turn out that in every given moment the arrow is resting at a certain point in space. It is still, it doesn’t kill, it doesn’t pierce the flesh — which means nothing happens really. Eternal peace can be found now, not later.
Every “now” is here.
Thank you, Zenon. Thank you, Poincaré.
Ideas keep the world running.
Maybe it’s all wrong but I feel so calm right now.
This Poincaré’s idea I’ve read consisted of three lines and there was no evidence in them.
But I’m sure that everything is how I understood it.
Because I feel it.
And this makes me feel so calm.
But this calmness melts away fast.
How will we evolve mentally? What will it change? Doesn’t the same thing happen every day, every year, every century? Don’t we all share the same problems? Isn’t our life just one big “Animal Planet” episode?
Our universe is doomed and we can only think of when and how it will die.
It is suffering countless illnesses.
If I could come up with something to help the crisis, to prevent the suicide, to harness fear.
Can I?
The saving unit
I have so many tools in my arsenal.
Someday I'll figure it out again.
(Masha and Dina light up a cigarette)
Masha: You know what the problem here is?
Dina: What?
Masha: Well, if you know everything, why are you not trying to impact the present? If it’s in your power to make anything happen in this moment that is now.
Dina: No, you don’t get it. I can’t make anything happen. It’s just that it won’t just happen, it has already happened countless times.Thousand, million times, over and over, again and again.
(Dina and Masha hold hands in silence)
Masha: This sounds really scary.
Dina: It’s not, I think it’s fun. After all, you can do anything and you won’t fail.
Masha: You know, I keep thinking about one thing. Just before the accident my mom told me a story. When she was young, she dated a guy. It was a long-distance relationship, so they’d write each other letters. At some point, they moved in together, but then the reality kicked in. After one of their breakups, mom’s boyfriend gave her a doll he made himself out of wire frame and rope. When mom saw it she freaked out first, ‘cause it looked really creepy, like a cult tool or something. Yet she kept it. The doll would stand on the shelf for years, observing my mom’s life. Later she broke up with that guy and they didn’t keep in touch. So one day my mom decided to get rid of the old stuff, so she threw away that doll. But my dad found it in the trash and thought he might use it for scraps. He had no idea where it was from or anything about it. So one day he dismantled the doll all the way to the carcass and threw the rest of it away. That was when my mom sensed something. She went through the trash and found the doll’s head which was made out of tape. She tore through the tape and the paper filling and found a tiny postcard, about half an inch each side. It read: “Everything will be how you want it to be”.
Dina: Wow. Did she keep that postcard?
Masha: Mom said she did. But she kept it in a secret place. Maybe she always kept it with her. I never saw it.
Dina: That’s crazy.
Masha: Maybe it didn’t even happen.
Dina: Sounds too good to be fiction.
(Dina and Masha stay still)
Dina: I feel so amazing right now I could die. How can it feel so good? How long have we been like this?
Masha: I don’t know. Five or seven minutes?
Dina: Seemed like hours… I haven’t told you yet — I will move out next week. My parents bought an apartment for me. That would probably be really dumb if I died right now, but I don’t feel that at all.
Masha: I wish I had parents.
Dina: You will have them. Again.
Masha: You sound like a preacher. But I feel now that there’s no afterlife or whatever. I’m just a bunch of particles that dissolve in space, shaping into one form or another.
Dina: You have no idea how obvious this is. You just haven’t caught the right wave yet. You’re right, we are particles. I’m proud of you, Masha, I really am. You’ve walked the path. When we first met, you were so absurd.
Masha: It’s like, that wasn’t even me.
Dina: Well, part of you was completely different. Like a different person.
Masha: You were different too.
Dina: No, I wasn’t. I’m different now. I am how you want me to be.
Scene 2
(Masha is alone in her room. Dina’s stuff is gone. She looks through the remaining things. She walks up to the record player but does not turn it on. She removes the books from the piano that was hidden under them all this time, opens the fall board and strums a chord. The piano is out of tune. Masha runs her fingers across the keyboard playing a passage through several octaves. She seems to make a silent conclusion: “Not quite in tune but playable”. She takes the chair, sits at the piano and improvises a simple tune gradually developing in a more atonal and at the same time expressive direction. She tries different techniques. Eventually, the music becoming calmer and more consonant. Masha suddenly notices a cockroach and kills it with a book at hand)
Scene 3
or, put simply:
(Masha, raised to the power of Katya and Dina, plus Kolya, has reduced to zero, from where she can now move in any direction)
Epilogue & prologue
(An unknown period of time has passed. Time had ended, began anew and arrived at this moment. Katya sits at her laptop in the kitchen, the wallpapers are as they were initially. Katya writes a message to Kolya on a social media platform attaching t.A.T.u’s song “We Shout”)
Katya: “Sometimes I just can’t help listening to t.A.T.u. I feel so stupid, I hear their songs, cry and sing”.
Kolya (Replies): “Nothing to embarrassed about. It’s great music, so powerful, amazing production, great team behind it, really world-class and creative. Why do you cry though? Well, I guess it’s good to cry.”
Katya: “Because I feel like I’m literally torn apart. Why didn’t they choose us? It was such a cool project to be a part of.”
Kolya: “Well, you know how it works. Nothing is what it seems, I will affect you, I will protect you from all the crazy schemes. Can’t you hear it yourself? I’m with you.”
Katya: “I don’t get it I don’t understand I don’t want to know.”
(The doorbell rings. Katya opens the door. It’s Dina)
Dina: Oh my god, are you crying?
Katya: No, I’m fine.
Dina: I leave you alone for an hour and you start to cry.
Katya: I can’t because I can’t, I can’t.
Dina: What do you mean you can’t? Let’s have some wine.
Katya: I don’t want wine.
Dina: Okay, just kidding, no wine, let’s have some tea. Screw. It. All.
(Katya and Dina go to the kitchen)
Dina: So, what happened?
Katya: It just doesn’t seem like I’m doing the right thing.
Dina: Ugh, not again. Maybe it’s true. But why beat yourself up over this? How about you try something else.
Katya: Is this important? This is important. And hard to accept. Why can’t I suffer? Why do you always blame me?
Dina: Suffer all you want. it’s just that you’re being sad and unproductive.
Katya: Do you really think that I’m doing the wrong thing?
Dina: Well, in your case, it probably doesn’t make any difference.
Katya: God, why do you always do this to me?
Dina: Honestly, I don’t think anything good will come out of all this. There was a brief moment recently when you seemed like you were getting out of your never-ending depression — “I can’t do this”, “I don’t fit in”, bla-bla-bla. But apparently you will spend most of your life like that, and I’ll have to watch you fade away. I can only hope this will be an exciting show!
(Katya stays silent)
Katya: Should I just quit, just leave, start a new life?
Dina: How do I know? You could though.
(Katya stays silent)
Dina: Okay, give me your hand.
Katya: Why?
Dina: Just let me see it.
(Katya obeys. Dina studies the palm of her hand)
Dina: Oh! Well. You’ll be fine.
Katya: You’re lying!
Dina: No, I used to do palm reading as a hobby. You will be fine. Trust me. I mean it.
Katya: What does fine even mean?
Dina: Anything.
Katya: Oh, fuck, a cockroach!
(Dina kills the cockroach. Masha walks into the kitchen)
The end. The beginning.
translation by maxim rahr
Scene 1
(Katya tries to study, a few textbooks with formulas lie in front of her. She writes and then sends a text message with the same text to Dina and Masha: “Not coming again 2nite?”. Masha replies: “No im at Nastyas. Preparing 4 exams”. Dina replies: “Nah I work late”. Katya: “What u workin on?”. Dina doesn’t reply)
Katya: Welp. Good for you. Take your time.
(Katya gets up from the desk and walks around the apartment. She turns on “People Are Strange” by “The Doors”. Remembers the night when she and Dina listened to this song. Before the song ends, Katya turns it off, returns to her desk. Stands up again and comes up to the window. Smokes. Comes up to the mirror. Watches herself smoke in the mirror. Elegantly blows clouds of smoke)
Katya: God, I’m such a cornball.
(Katya lies down on her bed. Her phone rings)
Katya: Hi. Yes. Yes, that’s right. Yes, I’m home now. Yeah, we can meet. Okay.
(Katya puts the vinyl record player in the box. The doorbell rings. Katya opens the door. It’s Kolya)
Katya: Oh god. She’s not here.
Kolya: I’m here to talk to you.
(Katya silently lets him enter)
Kolya: I called but you didn’t answer.
Katya: I know.
Kolya: Can I come in?
Katya: Okay. What happened?
Kolya: it was... wrong, it was all wrong, you know. Ugh. I don’t know what to do.
Katya: Ugh, just stop, okay? I don’t wanna listen to that.
Kolya: Alcohol is pure evil. I don’t even remember anything, all I know is that I’ve done something I shouldn’t have.
(Kolya takes out a vinyl record from his bag)
Kolya: I wanted to bring you flowers but / then I thought...
Katya: Well, this is hardly any more appropriate.
(Kolya gives Katya the vinyl)
Katya: “Those Who Do Not”. That’s quite symbolic.
Kolya: I know you probably won’t forgive me but I really, really don’t want to lose you. No one else in this world would understand the way you do. We have so much in common, like, we both like King Crimson, t.A.T.u, Psychic TV, The Doors, Philip Glass. I admire your taste in everything, it’s so perfect — and unusual.
Katya: Excuse me, there’s a guy waiting for me downstairs.
Kolya: What guy?
(Katya takes the box with the record player and walks toward the exit)
Katya: I’ll be right back.
Kolya: Oh, no. But... why?
Katya: I need money.
Kolya: I’ll give you the money, how much do you need? Please keep it!
Katya: Too late, we’ve arranged already.
Kolya: Just say you changed your mind!
Katya: But I didn’t.
Kolya: Fuck! Shit!
Katya: I’m fine. So, are we finished?
Kolya: No! Hell, no, we’re not!
Katya: You can wait here if you want.
(Kolya stays and waits)
Scene 2
(Katya waits outside her apartment block holding the box. Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 14, Movement 3 plays in her headphones)
Katya: Presto agitato. That’s the way to live! Dina always says that math is essentially poetry. I’d say, our whole world is poetry. A lantern has floated out of a puddle. An illuminated sign on the church wall reads Te Deum Laudamus. Tough looking lowlifes stroll by. The towering shadows of defoliated trees are cast against the sides of apartment blocks. The green shade of wet asphalt turns red, and then back to green, bypassing the orange spectre. A paper flower drowns in a muddy puddle. Next to it is a pile of not yet melted snow. A tall mirror sticks out from the dumpster, I see my own reflection in it. A pregnant dog stares at me. Her owner stares at her, his eyes pitch black. I’m gonna have a lot of money — enough to rent an apartment, move into it as soon as I can and live there all by myself. Or hop on a train to someplace else, get a hotel room and just spend awhile on my own.
(The buyers approach Katya, take the box from her, give her some cash. Katya writes a text message to Masha saying “Come home, let’s talk. She won’t be here, I promise”)
Act 4
Scene 1
(Some time has passed. Dina and Katya sit in the kitchen)
Dina: So you’re a conformist.
Katya: / No, I’m not.
Dina: / You’ve always been like that. Look at these wallpapers, do you like them?
Katya: Not really.
Dina: Then why don’t you just get rid of them? They’re tasteless, and just plain ugly! They’ve been up here for decades, right?
Katya: I can’t afford to buy new ones.
Dina: / That sucks. I have lots of money now.
(Dina walks up to the wall)
Dina: And your stupid wallpapers makes me sick.
(Dina starts to tear down the wallpapers)
Dina: Come on, help me out here. Don’t worry, I’ll buy you new ones. What else do you need, just let me know, okay? (Sings the lyrics to t.A.T.u’s “Not Gonna Get Us”) We’ll run away, on roads that are empty. Lights from the airfield, shining upon you.
(Dina laughs)
Katya: Where did you get the money?
Dina: I have a job now, and it’s fucking amazing.
Katya: What kind of job? Just tell me.
Dina: Well, remember the conference where you and that friend of yours gave a speech about fractals?
Katya: His name’s Kolya.
Dina: Where did you even find him?
Katya: You know it.
Dina: / Okay, whatever. Anyways, Mr. Schreiber called me up and said that my project was outstanding and asked if I wanted to write a piece for the Bulletin of the Academy of Sciences.
Katya: Oh wow. So they paid you a lot for that?
Dina: Nah, I didn’t get paid at all. I did that for my own pleasure.
Katya: Okay, so what about your real job?
Dina: It’s just a stupid job. Pays great though.
Katya: I wonder if anyone else was offered to write for the Bulletin.
Dina: I don’t think anyone was. Who else would be a good fit for that?
Katya: Yeah, I guess.
(Katya peels off a huge patch of wallpaper. Some old newspaper can be seen under it, the text printed in it is legible)
Dina (Reads): “There’s something metaphysical about the Soviet people’s passion for beer”.
Katya: Are you’re making that up?
(Katya looks closer. Dina laughs)
Katya: It can’t be there.
Dina: “Something mysterious and otherworldly. As I sat with a mug of Czech…”. Can’t make out the rest. It’s like a sign, isn’t it? Like Bacchus talking to me from these walls! This calls for a six-pack! Or maybe something better.
Katya: I thought you had some work to finish.
Dina: I will, why wouldn’t I.
(Dina leaves. Katya stays in the kitchen where a patch of wallpaper now hangs off the wall. She looks around. Dina returns)
Dina: I met your sister in the hall. Why did you kick her out? She’s cool. Better than your boyfriend.
Katya: I didn’t kick her out. She’s staying in another apartment that have, just upstairs from here. It’s just that she...
Dina: Okay, nevermind. Sister issues.
Katya: Not… really...
Dina: Mmm, beer!
(Dina goes to her room. Random patches of wallpaper hang from the wall. Some bits are on the floor. Katya tears off another small piece. Notices a receipt from the grocery store lying on the table. Studies it. Goes after Dina)
Katya: Where do they even sell beer at that price?
Dina: What’s wrong, baby?
Katya: What kind of job do you have?
Dina: Oh, come on, why does it matter?
Scene 2
(Katya stands in front of the mirror applying cream on her face before bed)
Dina: Why are you doing this?
Katya: I have dry skin.
Dina: Or are you afraid of premature aging maybe?
(Dina laughs)
Dina: Well considering how much I drink, I’m probably gonna die soon. There will be a bunch of flowers on my grave. Scientists will dig out my brain and study it. I’m sure you’ll still be alive though. You might outlive me for at least like 50 years, and spend it remembering how I was.
Katya: Not necessarily with good thoughts.
Dina: Ugh, don’t be silly, Katya. How is that important? These are merely the parameters of relativity. You and I are like Jim Morrison and Ray Manzarek. Ray wrote great music, but who cares about him when it comes to “The Doors”? Only you, maybe.
Katya: This doesn’t seem like a valid example.
Dina: Oh, come on, it’s true. I don’t even know his name. I don’t even think about that. But you do.
(Recites a verse from Anna Akhmatova’s poem “A loved one makes her demands at will…”)
Earthly drinks are too sweet anyhow,
Nets of love are too tight, all the same,
In their lesson books, years from now,
Let the children discover my name.
(Katya turns away from the mirror)
Dina: You are beautiful, Katya. Very beautiful.
Katya: Why are you saying this?
Dina: Because it’s true.
Katya: Stop mocking me.
(Dina walks into the bathroom, shudders)
Dina: God, you scared me.
Scene 3
(Katya sits on the couch in front of her laptop. A few textbooks lie in front of her)
Dina: Look at me. Look, look, look!
Katya: If you don’t shut up right now, I’ll rip my eyes out, sew them onto yours and you will have to look at them until your dying day.
Dina: Come on, look at me just one more time.
(Katya stays silent)
Dina: Why are you so boring? (Opens the window) Look how nice it is outside. Let’s go for a walk.
Katya: Please, don’t I’m cold.
Dina: It’s so nice out!
Katya: What do I need to say for you to leave me alone?
Dina: It’s so fucking awesome!
Katya: Your mom’s calling.
Dina: Ah, look, there’s a really gross-looking dog eating a pigeon!
Katya: Pick up your phone.
Dina: You know, I had no idea dogs eat dead birds. There’s all this buzz about the meaning of life and whatnot. Do people even know what they’re talking about? Why doesn’t anyone care about the meaning of this pigeon’s life? And what about the dog?
Katya: Smoke in the kitchen. I told you a hundred times!
Dina: Speaking of dogs, did you know that hedgehogs eat dog food?
Katya: Hello. Yes, I’m passing her to you.
Dina (Refuses to talk): Tell her I’m dead. No, tell her I was eaten by a dog!
Katya: She says she’ll call you back in a minute. What do even want?
Dina: I want you to look at me.
Katya: Okay.
Dina: Katya, tell me, what meaning of life do the thoughts in your head have?
Katya: Oh god.
Dina: Who are you, Katya?
Katya: Who are you?
Dina: What does your name mean, by the way?
Katya: I don’t know.
Dina: Are you kidding me?
(Dina looks up the name Katya on the web)
Dina: It means “pure”. Oxford’s Dictionary of First Names states that the etymology of this name is uncertain. You’re so mysterious. I like it.
Katya: What does your name mean?
(Dina walks into the room with a bottle of expensive alcohol)
Dina: Get off your gadgets, baby. We’re having a party!
Katya: What? Why?
Dina: You need a reason to celebrate? How about Einstein’s birthday?
Katya: Is this even true?
Dina: Fuck knows, you can check it if you want.
(Dina notices the record player)
Dina: Oh, I thought you sold it.
Katya: Kolya gave me a new one.
Dina: He seems to really love you.
(People crowd the room. Dina gets drunk quickly. She walks up to a guy who eats a slice of bread)
Dina: Why don’t you add some of this!
(Dina pours chocolate-flavored lube on top of the slice. The guy makes a wry face)
Guy: What’s that?
Dina: Look closer! I’ve prepared for our date.
Guy: But we just met.
Dina: I knew we would!
(Dina takes the slice from him and licks off as much lube as she can in an erotic fashion)
Dina: Mmm, delicious!
(Dina leans over to the stunned-looking guy, kisses him, then leaves to dance. Meanwhile, Katya roams around the room looking unsettled, she clearly lacks Kolya’s attention. Kolya says something to her but she can’t hear him. Some of the walls in the kitchen are still without wallpaper. Katya trails her hand across the wall. Some lime plaster remains on her fingertips. Dina walks up to Katya)
Dina: Baby, why are you all alone in here? What’s wrong? Want to dance?
Katya: You know I’m not a big dancer...
Dina: Shhh.
(Dina and Katya dance. Dina is drunk, she speaks in a slow voice)
Dina: Katya, Katya ... I’m so drunk right now... You ... Katya, Katya ...
Katya: I know...
Dina: No, you don’t understand, Katya...
(Katya puts her arms around Dina, holds her close to herself. Dina notices Kolya)
Dina: Why do you even care about this dork? I don’t get it. I knew right away he was a total nitwit. He’s nowhere as smart as you.
Katya: I don’t know.
Dina: Screw it all, Katya, be with me.
(Dina kisses Katya. Kolya throws his glass of wine at them and leaves)
Dina: He’s no good for you.
Katya: Kolya!
(Kolya leaves. Dina takes Katya to her room)
Dina: Wait here, baby. Just relax, okay? Promise me.
(Katya kisses Dina)
Dina: Promise.
Katya: I promise.
Dina: I’ll be a minute.
(Dina returns to the kitchen. Katya acts anxiously. She checks her look in the mirror, fixes her hair. Looks at her body, unzips her jeans, looks at her panties. Reaches into the drawer, takes out another pair of panties. Fixes hair again. Takes off her bra, now dressed only in her t-shirt and panties. Dina is still away. Katya walks into the kitchen. Dina talks to the bread guy. Then kisses him, takes him to her room)
Dina: Let’s go?
Katya: I’ll be right back.
(Katya runs out of her apartment block. Walks down the street, as if this is her first time)
Katya: Where am I
while she’s there
my eyes catch
reflections of city lights
slowly creeping across puddles
I look through the shop windows
beautiful chandeliers
expensive bathtubs
a lost mitten on the ground
a fragment of a cardboard box
there’s a dent on it
rainwater got inside of it
and turned it into a puddle
a wheeled garbage container moved away from the pavement
almost as if by inertia, cars pass around it
I approach a crossing
I see a red light
I continue walking
Red turns to green
I start to cross the road
but realize I look at the wrong light
it was red for the cars
not me
I wait
no cars
I could go
yet I stand still
waiting
then I move
take a step forward
but the light turns green
and it’s like I moved when the red was on
so it doesn’t count
as I began walking
it turned green
which means I moved when the green was on
that’s it
this is the answer
that’s my whole life
(quotes t.a.t.u songs)
each on their own
all this weeping in the air,
who can tell where it will fall
I'm a star, you're a star
we’ve been ordered to burn
someone got a hold of the addresses
of our secret meeting spots
never ever beg okay okay
just catch myself and calm down who gets who
apparently it will turn out it’d be easier not to become acquainted
Mother looking at me, tell me what do you see?
Daddy looking at me, will I ever be free?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
How did we ever get this far?
(Katya disappears)
Act 5
Scene 1
(Some time has passed. Masha and Dina lie on the kitchen floor. The wallpapers in the kitchen has been redone)
Masha: How many times have you tried it?
Dina: More than you can imagine. Are you afraid, baby?
Masha: No, I feel that it’s worth it.
Dina: Well, honestly, I never tried this one before. And I’m not doing this because it’s worth it.
Masha: Have you ever been afraid to overdose and die?
Dina: You’re afraid of dying, and I’m afraid of staying alive.
Masha: Why? Life is a total no-brainer, but what happens after? It’s so scary.
(During her monologue, Dina seduces Masha by undressing her and taking off her own clothes. She interrupts her speech every now and then to kiss Masha and her actions become increasingly sexual. At the last sentence, she stops)
Dina: You know,
I know everything that will be.
No, not all.
I know what will happen next.
in 320 years, the Chernobyl zone will be habitable again.
In 5,200 years, the Gregorian calendar will be one day behind the astronomical year.
The polar stars will change a few times.
in 10,000 years, humanity will cease to exist.
in 50,000 years, Niagara Falls will disappear.
in 40 million years, Phobos will crash into Mars.
in 50 million years, Australia will cross the equator, California will sink into the ocean and Africa will collide with Europe and Asia, closing off the Mediterranean.
And in the next 100 million years, Antarctica and Australia will be the same continent, while North America will merge with Greenland.
in 600 million years, a total solar eclipse will no longer be possible because the Moon will be too far from the Earth.
In a billion years, all seas will disappear.
in three billion years, the Earth will turn into a new Venus.
The era of black holes will begin, the sun will evaporate through Hawking radiation, then eternal darkness will reign, and if protons do not dissolve, then all matter will decay into iron-56.
In more than a million years, a Boltzmann brain will appear
conscious of itself
and of the surrounding space
It will observe the final energy state of the Universe
Why? Why would it observe and be conscious of all that?
Do you know how it will end? It will end with the Poincaré theorem.
Everything will return to where it started — but we don’t know where that is exactly. It’s not really scary to think about that, it was a long time ago and it won’t happen soon.
Not existing before you come to exist isn’t scary.
What is scary is not existing after.
And I know what will happen after.
As if I actually existed.
And then it will all start over again.
And I will come to exist again.
Again, I will go all the way.
Scared, I will anticipate the death of my parents, and then my own death, and then I will be scared of living.
I will be going to school or college.
I will be telling everyone that I’m searching for myself — and I will actually search.
And then I will finish school and college, and I’ll need to look for a job, and I will hate that, of course.
I will resent the need to perform strange actions without any clear purpose, or worse, for money to pay for food, clothes, bills, or birth control pills.
I don’t know yet if end up having a child or not, but all this will happen again.
Do you realize that every day we write scenarios of how the world might turn out. It’s just a huge lottery ticket, everyone wants to play but also no one does because all of those scenarios are pessimistic.
Ever heard about the gray goo scenario? Or how the universe will end in a Big Rip — can’t remember why — just because it keeps growing constantly, moving through space, rushing forward, spinning around. Where, why, how?
And if it doesn’t grow, then you know what? It will shrink to a tiny point.
You, me, everyone you love will just turn into a fraction of a speck of dust.
And why should I care, why should you care — we won’t even be there, so why should we even bother?
So apparently fear is something we can only feel about what is here and now.
But if you break down every “here and now” into milliseconds, what will you get? It will turn out that in every given moment the arrow is resting at a certain point in space. It is still, it doesn’t kill, it doesn’t pierce the flesh — which means nothing happens really. Eternal peace can be found now, not later.
Every “now” is here.
Thank you, Zenon. Thank you, Poincaré.
Ideas keep the world running.
Maybe it’s all wrong but I feel so calm right now.
This Poincaré’s idea I’ve read consisted of three lines and there was no evidence in them.
But I’m sure that everything is how I understood it.
Because I feel it.
And this makes me feel so calm.
But this calmness melts away fast.
How will we evolve mentally? What will it change? Doesn’t the same thing happen every day, every year, every century? Don’t we all share the same problems? Isn’t our life just one big “Animal Planet” episode?
Our universe is doomed and we can only think of when and how it will die.
It is suffering countless illnesses.
If I could come up with something to help the crisis, to prevent the suicide, to harness fear.
Can I?
The saving unit
I have so many tools in my arsenal.
Someday I'll figure it out again.
(Masha and Dina light up a cigarette)
Masha: You know what the problem here is?
Dina: What?
Masha: Well, if you know everything, why are you not trying to impact the present? If it’s in your power to make anything happen in this moment that is now.
Dina: No, you don’t get it. I can’t make anything happen. It’s just that it won’t just happen, it has already happened countless times.Thousand, million times, over and over, again and again.
(Dina and Masha hold hands in silence)
Masha: This sounds really scary.
Dina: It’s not, I think it’s fun. After all, you can do anything and you won’t fail.
Masha: You know, I keep thinking about one thing. Just before the accident my mom told me a story. When she was young, she dated a guy. It was a long-distance relationship, so they’d write each other letters. At some point, they moved in together, but then the reality kicked in. After one of their breakups, mom’s boyfriend gave her a doll he made himself out of wire frame and rope. When mom saw it she freaked out first, ‘cause it looked really creepy, like a cult tool or something. Yet she kept it. The doll would stand on the shelf for years, observing my mom’s life. Later she broke up with that guy and they didn’t keep in touch. So one day my mom decided to get rid of the old stuff, so she threw away that doll. But my dad found it in the trash and thought he might use it for scraps. He had no idea where it was from or anything about it. So one day he dismantled the doll all the way to the carcass and threw the rest of it away. That was when my mom sensed something. She went through the trash and found the doll’s head which was made out of tape. She tore through the tape and the paper filling and found a tiny postcard, about half an inch each side. It read: “Everything will be how you want it to be”.
Dina: Wow. Did she keep that postcard?
Masha: Mom said she did. But she kept it in a secret place. Maybe she always kept it with her. I never saw it.
Dina: That’s crazy.
Masha: Maybe it didn’t even happen.
Dina: Sounds too good to be fiction.
(Dina and Masha stay still)
Dina: I feel so amazing right now I could die. How can it feel so good? How long have we been like this?
Masha: I don’t know. Five or seven minutes?
Dina: Seemed like hours… I haven’t told you yet — I will move out next week. My parents bought an apartment for me. That would probably be really dumb if I died right now, but I don’t feel that at all.
Masha: I wish I had parents.
Dina: You will have them. Again.
Masha: You sound like a preacher. But I feel now that there’s no afterlife or whatever. I’m just a bunch of particles that dissolve in space, shaping into one form or another.
Dina: You have no idea how obvious this is. You just haven’t caught the right wave yet. You’re right, we are particles. I’m proud of you, Masha, I really am. You’ve walked the path. When we first met, you were so absurd.
Masha: It’s like, that wasn’t even me.
Dina: Well, part of you was completely different. Like a different person.
Masha: You were different too.
Dina: No, I wasn’t. I’m different now. I am how you want me to be.
Scene 2
(Masha is alone in her room. Dina’s stuff is gone. She looks through the remaining things. She walks up to the record player but does not turn it on. She removes the books from the piano that was hidden under them all this time, opens the fall board and strums a chord. The piano is out of tune. Masha runs her fingers across the keyboard playing a passage through several octaves. She seems to make a silent conclusion: “Not quite in tune but playable”. She takes the chair, sits at the piano and improvises a simple tune gradually developing in a more atonal and at the same time expressive direction. She tries different techniques. Eventually, the music becoming calmer and more consonant. Masha suddenly notices a cockroach and kills it with a book at hand)
Scene 3
or, put simply:
(Masha, raised to the power of Katya and Dina, plus Kolya, has reduced to zero, from where she can now move in any direction)
Epilogue & prologue
(An unknown period of time has passed. Time had ended, began anew and arrived at this moment. Katya sits at her laptop in the kitchen, the wallpapers are as they were initially. Katya writes a message to Kolya on a social media platform attaching t.A.T.u’s song “We Shout”)
Katya: “Sometimes I just can’t help listening to t.A.T.u. I feel so stupid, I hear their songs, cry and sing”.
Kolya (Replies): “Nothing to embarrassed about. It’s great music, so powerful, amazing production, great team behind it, really world-class and creative. Why do you cry though? Well, I guess it’s good to cry.”
Katya: “Because I feel like I’m literally torn apart. Why didn’t they choose us? It was such a cool project to be a part of.”
Kolya: “Well, you know how it works. Nothing is what it seems, I will affect you, I will protect you from all the crazy schemes. Can’t you hear it yourself? I’m with you.”
Katya: “I don’t get it I don’t understand I don’t want to know.”
(The doorbell rings. Katya opens the door. It’s Dina)
Dina: Oh my god, are you crying?
Katya: No, I’m fine.
Dina: I leave you alone for an hour and you start to cry.
Katya: I can’t because I can’t, I can’t.
Dina: What do you mean you can’t? Let’s have some wine.
Katya: I don’t want wine.
Dina: Okay, just kidding, no wine, let’s have some tea. Screw. It. All.
(Katya and Dina go to the kitchen)
Dina: So, what happened?
Katya: It just doesn’t seem like I’m doing the right thing.
Dina: Ugh, not again. Maybe it’s true. But why beat yourself up over this? How about you try something else.
Katya: Is this important? This is important. And hard to accept. Why can’t I suffer? Why do you always blame me?
Dina: Suffer all you want. it’s just that you’re being sad and unproductive.
Katya: Do you really think that I’m doing the wrong thing?
Dina: Well, in your case, it probably doesn’t make any difference.
Katya: God, why do you always do this to me?
Dina: Honestly, I don’t think anything good will come out of all this. There was a brief moment recently when you seemed like you were getting out of your never-ending depression — “I can’t do this”, “I don’t fit in”, bla-bla-bla. But apparently you will spend most of your life like that, and I’ll have to watch you fade away. I can only hope this will be an exciting show!
(Katya stays silent)
Katya: Should I just quit, just leave, start a new life?
Dina: How do I know? You could though.
(Katya stays silent)
Dina: Okay, give me your hand.
Katya: Why?
Dina: Just let me see it.
(Katya obeys. Dina studies the palm of her hand)
Dina: Oh! Well. You’ll be fine.
Katya: You’re lying!
Dina: No, I used to do palm reading as a hobby. You will be fine. Trust me. I mean it.
Katya: What does fine even mean?
Dina: Anything.
Katya: Oh, fuck, a cockroach!
(Dina kills the cockroach. Masha walks into the kitchen)
The end. The beginning.
translation by maxim rahr
