such pictures

such a pictures
by electra liberte

18+
contains: scenes of sex, violence, lgbt content

1
today we moved into a new apartment. I don’t know how long are we going to stay here. I like moving. I have already moved 7 times. I have been living on mira street, belorusskaya street, enisejskaya street, and on pervij park station – my granny lives there. usually, when we move out of the apartment, we return to granny's place and live there until we find a new one. because of that, I think that returning is a separate move. this is the 7th time we have moved. now we are living on the metalist street. we did not bring all our stuff from my granny's place - my toys are still there.
mom is going to work. she has beautiful earrings. she promises not to stay long in the office. I will be at home alone. I am a big girl! I am 4 years and 7 and a half months old. my sister dasha is 6, but she is afraid of staying alone. she is not my real sister; she is my dad’s daughter. actually, my dad is not a real dad to me. granny always repeats it. but mom asks me to call him «dad». however, dasha says only she can call him «dad». she is always very angry when I call him «dad». but then she still comes to visit us and plays with me. mom says: «don’t let me down and be a good girl!» and leaves me alone. she always says that. I am walking around the room and looking for the stuff that I could use. I have:

clothes
pillows
my pink blanket with a doggy
a small tv
video player
10 videotapes
mom’s box with earrings, rings and bracelets. (she will be really angry if something disappears)
another different boxes

I’m looking for my crayons and markers. I wanna draw! but I have no drawing paper. I’m searching for it, but I can't find any. however, I found a box with towels. there are my handkerchiefs. I decide to use them for costumes. now, I have three crayon princesses and one marker queen, all dressed up. I start playing with them. the marker-queen is upset, because she is alone. she wants to be friends with princesses. I hold every crayon between my left hand’s fingers and take the marker in my right hand. now they are talking, but they are also arguing. the marker-queen gets into a fight with princesses. I place them on the floor. it’s beautiful. I am building videotape palace for them! they go to sleep there.
when mom returns from the office, I show my kingdom to her. I thought mom would like it, but she suddenly starts to cry.

2
today is a weekend. when I woke up, mom had already visited granny and taken my toys back. I have two barbies, one cindy and one little shelly - mom bought her in moscow. I also have a furniture for them! it was a birthday gift. I have:

a sofa
two chairs
a wardrobe
a small table
a magnetic board with small magnets that look like clothes (i don’t know how to play with it)

I use the board as a wall between two rooms: in one room, barbies live with their daughter shelly, and in another room, it's cindy’s. sometimes, cindy visits them. my granny has many carpets in her rooms and a long one in the corridor. i've made carpets for barbies out of handkerchiefs. by the way, I have bands! I also have a «not real» cousin - sonya, but she is big, she is 13. she doesn’t need bands anymore. today I chose the red one for a long carpet. it looks beautiful. it is as long as I need to cover a distance between the rooms and the kitchen. I don't have any furniture in the kitchen, so I usually use a videotape for it. there are two holes in it that looks like a cooker. and they cook there.

3
today, dasha is here. we are alone at home, and she is still afraid. she hides in the bathroom, while I look out of the window and wait for my mom and dad to come. dasha shouts: «do they come?» so I answer: «no, not yet». then she shouts again. but mom and dad do not appear. I offer dasha to blow bubbles: granny told me how to make them on our own. I need:

a glass of water
a little bit shampoo
a straw

add some shampoo to the water, mix it, and it’s done! dasha was crying, but now I am making bubbles, and she is laughing. we are blowing bubbles! the whole apartment is filled with bubbles! so then mom and dad came home. and they didn’t like our bubbles. mom was angry, she was washing every suspicious spot. dad took dasha and they went away. I feel lonely. I don’t like when dasha comes and disturbs me at first, but later I’m okay, and when she goes home, I’m always sad.

4
today I had to go to the kindergarten. it’s a new one! the previous kindergarten had very stupid people. I didn’t want to make friends with anyone there. I was angry all the time, but mom thought that I cried because I missed her.
my new kindergarten is quite far from home, so it was still dark outside. almost like a nighttime. I really like my new kindergarten. we have two teachers there. one of them is cruel, another is kind. and a nanny! she is kind, when the kind teacher is around, and cruel when there is a cruel one. today was the cruel teacher and I felt really tired to be there. in evening, mom took me home. she asked me if I liked the new place. I said that everything is okay except for vitya and yana. I hate them. «why?» mom asked. I explained that vitya is thick and ugly. he always wheezes. it seems like he jingles when someone calls him. vi-tya, vi-tya. boo. I’m afraid he might come close and touch me, and I would feel sick. but I hate yana more than vitya. she sleeps on the next bed to mine. she always has a runny nose. and she snores. and she spits while talking. and she is also really ugly. she has blue eyes, like my mom’s eyes. but she is still ugly. today during the naptime, I couldn’t sleep. yana was right beside me, I looked at her and imagined fighting with her. she had a runny nose even while sleeping. it’s disgusting. I imagined pulling her hair, mixing it with her snot and spit, and making her eat it. after that, I fell asleep. when I woke up, the mealtime had already finished, and I had to eat alone. mom told me it’s not right to think about yana and vitya that way. i didn’t understand why. mom said that I should be a good girl and never let her down. she asked me to promise I wouldn’t think of yana and vitya that way anymore. I promised. and now I don’t know what to do when I meet yana and vitya. later, we went to the supermarket. they had everything there - food, plates, cards, clothes and even barbies, but they were not real. i picked out a beautiful one and asked mom if I could have it. she said: «no». I wanted to cry. but I decided to be a good girl, a strong girl and then mom would see how good I am and maybe buy me the barbie. but mom just bought a bottle of milk, and we went home.

5
on weekends, dasha visited us again. dasha really likes a cartoon about cinderella. we watch it every time she comes. actually, I know it by heart and always talk with characters. when I asked dasha how many times we should watch cinderella, she showed me her hands and moved them backwards and forwards several times. then she said: «this many». mom and dad were going to be out. before they left, they asked dasha: «please, don’t be afraid» and also added that I should protect her. I laughed. I’m a little girl and skinny, by the way. and dasha is older and she is thick. how could I protect her? but I liked the idea that I’m the older sister. when mom and dad left home, dasha said: «do you know what mom and dad do when they go sleep?» I said: «no». then dasha explained. we lied on the bed and she started to kiss me. she put her tongue into my mouth. it was disgusting. but dasha said it was very nice.

6
dad left in the morning, and mom washed clothes all day long. she came to me and showed her hands: they were in blood. mom said: «when we become rich, we would buy a washing machine». mom always wash with the washing board. once she was angry, because I was not a good girl, and she made me wash on this board. I washed. but later I was really tired. I often ask my mom - when will we become rich? she answers: «I don’t know». while mom was washing clothes, I played with my barbies. I placed them on the sofa. they were kissing there.

7
today, mom took me to granny's because we overslept and missed the kindergarten. I was so happy! granny has 3 rooms, while we have just one. granny gave me a piece of paper and a pencil thinking I would draw while she cooked. at first, I wanted to draw granny’s dog - tina. she is white, dirty and stinky. and she has black teeth, because she always eats candies. I don’t want to have black teeth, so I never eat sweets and never put sugar in my teacup. there is just one exception - I like donuts. mom promised to buy donuts when she comes to take me home.
I looked at my paper, intending to draw tina, but I couldn't start because I was afraid the picture wouldn't turn out beautiful, and then the paper would be ruined. so, I decided not to draw and asked granny to play. she gave me a big blue box. she said «open it». inside, there were many different buttons. I examined all of them and then divided them. i have:
1. the button-queen - white with a golden pattern
2. button-princesses - blue with a golden pattern
3. soldiers - made of steel
4. old ladies - terry buttons from the sofa
5. children - small buttons
6. the sailor - striped blue button
7. mushrooms - brown wooden buttons
8. wizards - buttons with a spiral pattern
9. simple people - the rest of the buttons
I put all the buttons in the box and mixed them. I asked every button: «have you seen the queen?» but they remained silence. I was afraid I had lost her. then the button-princess told me that the queen was resting and didn’t want to see anybody. after that, mom came. we ate donuts and drank tea with no sugar. later, we went home.

8
mom and dad were arguing in the kitchen. they were shouting at each other. then dad left, and mom said to me that I no longer had a dad. I thought about dasha - probably I might never see her again. mom was in tears. I stared at the floor, because I wanted to play, but I understood that today it wouldn’t be possible today. mom asked: «why aren’t you sad?» i said: «mom, please, don’t cry». but she continued to cry.

9
I have a friend in kindergarten - masha. masha has a lot of barbies and she always brings them with her. today, she brought one barbie and one ken - he is barbie’s husband. I wanted to have him too! my barbies have no husbands. we played the «family» game: ken, barbie and one more barbie (mine). afterwards, we drew pictures. I drew a picture of how we were playing: ken and two barbies in one bed. they were naked because it was nighttime and they were already asleep. masha laughed at the picture and told me not to show it to our teachers, so I hid it in my locker. when granny came to pick me up, she also found my picture. granny was really angry when we came home. she kept saying: «it is a very bad picture». she threw it away. granny is a drawing teacher. I thought she was upset because my picture wasn't beautiful. I asked her to show me how to draw it the right way. however, she became totally mad and said that such pictures shouldn’t be drawn, even if they were beautiful. she explained that it’s okay to draw animals, trees and our family. she asked where I saw this kind of thing - two naked women and one naked man? i said it was a game we played in kindergarten. granny became an absolute evil.

10
I woke up and saw that dad was back. I decided not to speak with him, because he had hurt mom. mom said he would live with us again. of course, I was angry! I didn’t like him, I didn’t understand why we needed him. it was okay when we lived without him. but when they are together, they always quarrel. I decided to wait until he would go away again. granny said that I have a real father, but he lives very far. mom said that the real father is that person who lives near with you.
dad bought a car and we were going to go out. also he gave me a present - a toy parrot. «it’s very beautiful! like a real one!» - mom said. I said: «thank you». another thing he gave me was a new camera. you push the button and record a movie! but you can’t see it immediately. only when the tape is over, you can watch it on tv.
we took the camera and went to dad’s family. they live in the wooden house with a garden. dad’s mother cooked, dad’s father lay on the bed, getting up only for smoking. then he coughed and said nothing. I have no grandfather, because he has already passed away. but I didn’t like these grandparents: they were not real. I wanted go home or visit my granny. later, other relatives arrived. two of dad’s brothers, their wives and children. but dasha wasn't there. instead, there were sonya and her brother dima. they were very big. and also there was my cousin christina. she was very old, like my mom. she had golden teeth and smoked constantly. she called me «sweetie» and it was disgusting! I whispered: «stupid, stupid, stupid» while she couldn't hear me. then they all started drinking beer and laughing loudly. it seemed like they were laughing at me because i didn’t speak with them. i screamed: «don’t laugh!» but they continued to laugh. dad filmed it with the camera. mom drank beer and laughed too. I didn’t like it. when mom was with me at home or with granny - she was beautiful and smart, but there, among dad’s family, she seemed silly and ugly. I ran out and walked in the garden, thinking. it was winter. all vegetables were under snowflakes. when I came back, mom told me I would stay there for the whole night. and in the morning she would come and take me to the kindergarten. christina said: «sweetie, come to bed». and I replied quietly: «shut up, stupid girl, I’m not sweetie». I wondered why they were laughing at me anyway? I couldn’t sleep that night. everything seemed dirty. I wished I could fly and not touch all those things.

11
in the morning, mom really came, and we went to the kindergarten. mom said: «you are a big girl, and you can probably change your clothes and go to your group on your own». she left me there and I decided not to go to the kindergarten. I went to my granny's place - she lived nearby. I remembered that granny lived on the 6th floor, but elevator could be broken therefore I went by feet. I saw a big number «6» on the wall and recognized granny’s door. I jumped to push the button and I did it. granny opened the door and was shocked. she was angry and I realized it was a mistake. she said: «it’s absolutely unacceptable behavior!» and I explained where I had been that night and how it was disgusting for me, and I told her about «sweetie» christina and their laughter. she became kinder and told me that if they wanted to take me there in the future, I should firmly say «no» and ask to visit my real granny. then she said we would try on my new cardigan. I was so happy! granny liked to sew. she sewed while I made costumes out of different pieces of fabric. granny called it «high fashion». when mom came to take me home, granny asked her not to punish me.

12
on weekends, mom and dad took me for a ride. then they left car to do something, and I was alone in the car for a long time… sometimes I screamed: «mom! mom!» but it didn’t work. I began to knock on the window, hoping someone would see me and call for mom, but nothing happened. I was so tired. I started playing with the buttons on my new cardigan. at first, they seemed to be talking, and then kissing, one by one. then one of them came off. I played with that button, turning it and trying to fit it into different holes. I even tried to put it in the car's fan, but the button was too big and didn't fit. so, I put the button in a tape recorder, and it fell down. I wanted to get it out, but, suddenly, mom and dad came back. dad was mad at me and even hit me on the head. the music was over. the tape recorder was broken. we drove back home in silence. my only thought was he wasn't a real father, and he had no right to yell at me or hit me. but at home, mom yelled at me too. later, mom explained that when dad is angry, he obviously has a reason, and my task is to listen to him silently and not misbehave like that anymore. I said I didn’t want to keep quiet when someone hits me. she said that I should be a good girl and obey them.

13
we have moved once again! now we have two rooms: one for mom and dad and another for me. there is a piano in my room! mom can play the piano. I want to learn to play it too. I made up a melody and drew circles on the keyboard not to forget it, but mom said that the piano belongs the apartment owners and they would be really angry about my circles. then she washed the piano. probably, I would forget my melody.
dad said that we shouldn’t disturb mom and suggested that we go to his office. I had never been there before. it was really exciting. while we were on our way, dad was really kind and even sang along with the radio. there were a lot of interesting stuff in the office: the machinery and weird mechanisms. then I noticed the portrait of the president on the wall. I asked: «why did you hang up the president?» he answered: «I want everyone to respect me».

14
today, christina visited us. first, they were in mom and dad's room watching a movie dad had made when we were at his parents' house. they laughed both on tv and in real life. I was in the movie too. then christina came to me and asked: «what’s up, sweetie?» in reality, christina laughed again and showed her golden teeth. mom seemed silly and unpleasant again. then they went to the kitchen. they drank beer and ate smoked fish. at first, I was with them and ate noodles, but then I couldn’t breathe due to beer aroma, so I went outside. I took my encyclopedia. I like to pronounce this difficult and beautiful word. en-cyc-lo-pe-di-a. I have two encyclopedias «what is it? who is it?» - the second and the third parts. the second part starts from the letter «i». this letter looks like mom, because her name also starts with «i». i, ibis, ice… it was so loud in the kitchen that I couldn't read. I saw that nobody was using the camera and took it. I pushed the red button and filmed my barbies. at first, they built a house, then made up a family. while I shot this film, christina went home. mom tried to get dad in bed, but he was so drunk that he kicked her and repeatedly made the sound «ooooh». mom saw I was filming it. she rudely took away the camera and said: «go to bed! quickly!» I went under the blanket and cried. mom loudly washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. dad groaned. then my mother came in and went to sleep with me. she hugged me, and we fell asleep.

15
I thought mom and dad had been quarreling. but in the morning they behaved in an ordinary way. and then they went to bed together again. the positive side of this situation was dasha: she came to us and took her white cat. mom and dad left us alone, and we played with the cat and watched cinderella. then she said: «do you know what mom and dad do when they go sleep? not only kissing!» then she added that it would be a surprise, but we should be prepared for it. she took a glass and hid it under the bed. when the night came, she beckoned me, placed the glass against the wall, and said: «listen». dasha said I would hear my mom screaming. at first, I couldn’t hear anything, but then I heard mom’s scream without the glass. dasha said: «they call it humping». I didn’t like that word. suddenly, she suggested to play as if we were them. she said we need to take off clothes and lie at each other. we have to move up and down being naked. I became tired and asked dasha to stop. but she insisted we should continue until we were completely exhausted. when dasha became tired, she said: «you should never talk about it».

16
today is the holiday: independence day. nobody should either work or learn. dad was at home the whole day, watching tv. mom washed dishes, cooked, and washed dishes again. I asked mom to give me a permission to play with camera. she didn’t want to, but finally she agreed. meanwhile I built 3 countries:

the marker country (a house made of videotapes)
the barbie country (ordinary rooms with the pink furniture)
the button country (a house made of tapes)

I made borders between countries with bands. today, the button-queen went with her princesses and assistants in the barbie's country. I wanted to play with ken because there was no president in the barbie's country. I knew it was a president in our country. I asked mom if she could buy me a ken? she asked who he was, and I replied that he was a barbie-boy. she asked why I needed him. i said: «to make him a president in barbie's country». she smiled and said: «a woman can be a president too». I asked in which country the president is a woman, but mom didn't say anything. I continued to play without ken. I decided to make cindy the president, because she was the oldest doll. the button-queen came to the barbie's country. cindy greeted her by doing the splits. mom had told me about splits. when I’m trying to do the them, she always says that it’s only worth 7 points. but this is front split. there is also a side split: barbies can’t do this. cindy couldn’t bend her knees either, she was old. but barbies could. they showed the button-queen how they could bend their knees in both directions. then the barbies asked what the buttons could do. I twisted the button-queen, and the pattern on it became invisible. mom said it looked like a figure skating. she explained it was called spinning. then the barbies and buttons went to the marker country. markers dressed up in handkerchiefs and also did spinning. meanwhile, mom finished washing and joined dad to watch tv; there was a tv show with singing kids. they watched it, and I continued filming my countries. later, mom said: «look! this girl is 4 years old too, but look how she sings!» I came to see it. a girl definitely was singing. it was good. mom was very happy. she said: «she must be a genius…» I came back to my countries. mom asked: «why aren't you interested in that? they are just like you, but they are already on stage doing complicated things. it’s exiting, isn’t it?» I couldn’t come up with the right answer, so I kept silent. I wanted to continue my game, but suddenly I realized I couldn’t play anymore. I didn’t know what to do. the only one thing came to my mind was to put everything back. I placed the buttons in the box, the barbies in the locker, and the markers in a package. somehow, my eyes started watering, and it was hard to swallow. I waited for the tv show to end, but it felt like it would never end. I went to bed and began counting the flowers on the wallpaper. I could count for a very long time! I knew all the figures. they were at the back of the encyclopedia.

17
mom and dad quarreled constantly. and when dad drank beer, he became unpleasant and wanted to hug me. I always ran out, of course, because he had a bad smell. one day, mom said I should live with granny. and I moved to granny's. every day we went to school where granny was working. I drew while she taught her students. one day, I drew a tiger. granny was happy and hung my picture on the wall. I was so proud! in the evenings, we played. sometimes I helped granny to prepare for her lessons. one day, one of granny’s friends visited us. she was with her daughter lisa. she was 6. lisa did a ballroom dance and she had beautiful, long white hair. granny’s friend asked granny to do a fitting to sew a new dress for lisa. I was a little bit jealous because I liked dancing, but mom always repeated that I had no sense of rhythm. granny sewed, and granny’s friend went out on business. lisa and I played in another room. I said to lisa: «do you know what mom and dad do when they go to sleep?» lisa answered: «I know, they kissing». and I told lisa about «humping». lisa said that she wanted to try it too. I explained what to do. we lied under the blanket and moved up and down. after a few moments, granny came to our room. she was completely angry. I had never heard from her such words from her. she said that it was a sin and the god would curse us. it was a real shame and I promised granny not to do it anymore. but she said I would have to live with mom and dad again.

18
yesterday, I was baptized. mom gave me a small silver cross and said never to take it off. I didn’t like that process. it was boring and there were a lot of people. today, we went to the church again, and I had to eat something. there was only one spoon for everybody, and I didn’t want to eat after unknown people, but mom said I should certainly eat it because «it is the body and the blood of jesus christ». I didn’t catch why I had to eat someone’s body. mom explained: «it is in metaphorical sense». I got it. then, when we got home, mom gave me a book with a very sad and unattractive cover that had the words «the new testament» on it. mom explained that it is jesus christ. she said what happened to him. I felt so sorry for him. but mom added: «now everything’s fine, jesus is in heaven and looks after us». therefore, we should be good so as not to upset him because he died to make us all behave well.

19
today, dasha and sonya visited us. they constantly talked about boys, and dasha was a completely different person. she did whatever sonya asked and imitated her behaviour. they didn’t really interact with me. then, dad came into our room. he was angry because I hadn't change into my home clothes. he hit me, but sonya and dasha didn’t feel sorry for me. I thought that if dad was going to hit me again, I would take my jeans belt and stand up for myself. dasha and sonya were listening to the music. I danced with them, but they still didn't pay attention to me. I was jumping, and then I fell onto the carpet. I lay there, catching my breath. sonya stepped over me. I asked her to step back, explaining that in kindergarten, we were told that not stepping back might prevent us from growing taller. but sonya just laughed and said that she would not step back. dasha laughed along with her. I asked her, please, but nothing happened. I cried because I was afraid I wouldn't grow up. they continued dancing and singing. I didn't understand why sonya couldn't do it. then dasha also stepped over and laughed. in the evening, sonya went home, and dasha stayed for a night. she offered to play as if we were mom and dad. I firmly said: «no». dasha continued: «i told you to do it!» she threw me on the floor and sat on me. I tried to get rid of her, but she was very thick and strong. she lay on me and I felt like I couldn't breathe. she asked: «do you wanna play «mom and dad» with me?» I said: «I will, if you step over me». then dasha closed my nose and mouth with her sticky hand and asked again: «do you wanna play with me?» I understood that she might suffocate me, so I agreed. she gave me a ball and asked me to put it in my pants because men have something big in their pants. we played again.

20
today, mom came to me and said she had news. she said she had a baby in her stomach and it would be a sister or a brother to me. I thought he or she would be just a half real for me. mom said she wouldn't go to work, so I wouldn't go to the kindergarten. I thought that despite the cruel teacher and yana and vitya, I still wanted to visit the kindergarten. but mom said she already took my documents back. it was summer. the sun was bright, and its rays lit up the walls. when I went to the kindergarten, masha told me that she always played in the yard and had many friends there. I also wanted in the yard now, but mom didn't let me to do it. but she promised we would go out together. and we went to the city garden. mom took me on the carousel. and then we took a photo.

21
tonight mom and dad had to go, but they couldn’t take me with them. they didn't take me to my granny either - she didn't want to talk to me. mom said that today we would see how old am I. I was very happy! mom left me some «doshirak» in the kitchen and asked to eat it when I became hungry. mom gave me a piece of paper on which was written: «to switch on a video player you need to push a button at the left side, then wait for the screen lights, then put the tape into it. push 0 on the tv remote. the button ► - play. the button ■ - stop. the button ◄◄ is for rewind the tape. the button ⏏ - to eject the tape».
I said to mom I had already known it. but she checked out my skills and then they left me alone. firstly I saw the cartoon, then I drank a glass of milk, then I was looking for another interesting tapes for a long time. everything was boring. I ate some «doshirak». then I decided to watch tv. there were different tv-shows, news, movies… and suddenly I saw «the snow white»! but it was not a cartoon, it was a movie. I thought that if I am almost 5 years old, I should learn how to watch movies. and suddenly snow white started to take off her clothes for no reason. then gnomes did the same. then they were kissing and I understood they would be humping. that’s what dasha told me. but it looked not just like I had imagined it before. I was afraid of mom and dad would come back and switch off the tv. I went to bed and took a book with. but I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t forget how they were humping. it was a real struggle for me to relax, but at last I fell asleep.

22
dasha came to us again. mom and dad went out. I asked her not to watch cinderella and find that tv channel where I had found a snow white that day. I wanted to show her how humping would be in a right way. but dasha protested. «cinderella, cinderella» she shouted. and we watched cinderella for maybe the 100th time. I didn’t like cinderella at all. mom always says cinderella is very kind and we should learn how to behave from her. but I couldn’t see it anymore. I was sick of her. then we played with dasha and I taught her how to make a movie. push the button and that’s it. I said that we would be on tv when the tape was over. she was happy. we played and shot a movie as if we were mom and dad. she was mom, as always. she quarreled that I didn’t want to go to the supermarket and so on. then she took children's cosmetics out of her backpack and began to do makeup like mom usually does. I filmed it too. then mom came and said we should go to bed. dasha asked to play «mom and dad» and I decided to show her how to do it correctly. I said to her: «close your eyes». she often asked me to whisper it. she did it. and I took a marker because I saw it in snow white movie. honestly, they have something bigger, but I decided a marker would be okay for us. I said to dasha: «now it will be very nice». and I did just like the gnomes did it in that movie. but dasha didn’t like it. she screamed and started to cry. mom came to our room, than dad. mom switched on the light and asked what happened. dasha ran to them and they saw she had a blood. I saw I have a little bit of her blood on my right hand. dad went out of the room and came back with the belt. I ran to my locker, took out my jeans belt, and hit him. dad dropped his belt, picked up dasha in his arms, and went out. mom did too.

23
dad no longer lived with us. mom was crying. dad took the camera and it turned out that everything I had filmed I couldn't see because there was no tape in the camera, and I didn't know that. mom spoke to me very seldom. when we were eating, she loudly turned on the tv. I thought that probably mom wouldn’t want to live with me. I told her I wanted to live with my grandmother. mom got very angry. she took her belt and said she would bump me off. mom had never hit me before. I was crying. and she screamed that I am very bad girl, very very spoiled, and nobody will live with me because I am such a bad person. and in her opinion, that's all because I no longer think before I do something. I decided to run out. somewhere. but mom said I was punished and couldn't go out. she put me in the corner of the room and said stand there. i remembered I had a silver cross and I took it and started to apologize. maybe jesus christ would hear me and forgive me and help me. I didn’t understand why mom was so angry. I did something bad, but I didn't realize how it could have happened. and why she couldn’t forgive me? mom switched on the tv. I decided to leave house. I began to pack my things. I saw it in one cartoon, there was a dog, he put his things in the blanket and then made a knot. I began to look for my cardigan. but it had disappeared. I wanted to ask my mom, where's my cardigan, but I didn't know if I could call her mom. so I just said, «where's my cardigan?» mom didn’t answer. then she asked: «whom are you talking to?» I said, «you». she asked me: «who am I?» i didn’t answer because didn’t know. I asked: «do you know where's my cardigan?» she answered: «no». her telephone was ringing, and she came to the kitchen. I took my blanket with a doggy and put two t-shirts and trousers inside it. I couldn't decide which barbie to take and used a counting-out rhyme: one, two. buckle my shoe. three, four. knock on the door. five, six. pick up sticks. seven, eight. you’re doing great! nine, ten. and that’s the end… shelly. I’ve made a knot like in that cartoon and went to the corridor. mom was speaking loudly on the phone. she screamed: «and what should I do?» I felt sorry for her. so I put on my shoes and opened the door. we lived on the 5th floor, and I went down the stairs. I was outside. the sun was still up.

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